Anne Altamore
“Here take my kids”. How often have we heard that from exasperated parents or people who are trying to be funny? I can tell you, too many to count, in my over 30 years of fertility treatment and now living CNBC. Some people say it because they are uncomfortable when they hear I am childless. To these people - I wish you would not let your discomfort allow your tongue run away and ramble nonsense. Some say “take my kids” because they are genuinely at their wits end and not coping with the demands of parenting. For these people, I hope your children never ever find out this is how you feel or felt. These words can be cruel when said in jest or as sarcasm because someone else’s child does not make up for not having my own child.
But I am not here to gripe about this all-too-common phrase, we CNCB, find thrown at us with alarming frequency. I do actually want to share a story about how words similar to this said with intent of kindness and compassion can actually heal.
27 years ago, I met a family whose daughter was 7 weeks older than my twins would have been. That first meeting was raw and I tried to hide my sadness as I answered “none” to the all too familiar question of “do you have children?” The first Christmas we shared was heart wrenching as a reminder of what should have been our first Christmas. The family gradually came to know of our fertility struggles and were extremely supportive. We became part of the family. A few years later, as we were hanging out one afternoon, I was braiding the little girl’s hair when her dad said “she loves you so much, you should be her surrogate mom.” To which the little girl replied with a gleeful “yes”. So, although not exactly take my kids, it was more of a share my kids. I didn’t think too much of these words at the time.
Over the years, the little girl would hang out with me when her mom was at work and became my movie buddy as we watched various Disney movies, went shopping, had milkshakes, and generally did “kid stuff”. She and her brother voted me the best babysitter in town. The little girl took her job as surrogate child very seriously making sure every milestone in her life was shared with me. While it was bittersweet, the sheer love and innocence of this child and her parents who were so willing to share their lives became a healing balm in my life as we went through numerous failed cycles of IVF.
Today, the little girl is not so little, but she still calls me Mumma and we share a special bond, all because on a sunny afternoon, her dad said words to the effect of take my kid. But these were words said with love and kindness, not derision. This little girl has filled my heart and helped me through some very dark times all because of unconditional love that expected nothing.
So, to those who say “take my kid”, please think before you say it. What is your intent in saying those words and how will your child feel when they hear you saying it?
Words have power to hurt or heal. Please use them wisely.
Life After IVF
I am Anne Altamore, founder and owner of Life After IVF Counselling, Psychotherapy and Coaching. Life After IVF provides a safe healing space for all who have disembarked the fertility treatment roller coaster. I use the term IVF as it’s the most commonly understood term for fertility treatment, however, I work with people ending all forms of fertility treatment, not just IVF. I believe it is important to acknowledge these feelings and to have a safe space to voice concerns, learn how to manage triggers, and move forward with positivity.