Anonymous
Navigating friendships and relationships as a woman who is Childless not by Choice due to infertility, has been tricky at times to say the least!
When I was still on my infertility journey, juggling symptomatic endometriosis, hormonal imbalance, anaemia and fatigue, still hoping for my own child; my various cousins seemed to be popping out babies in swift succession. I was genuinely happy for them, but felt the pressure put upon me, to be available for support and babysitting. Having attended several ‘extended families’ picnics and functions with my relatives, I knew from experience that my local cousin’s children, rarely listened to other adults’ instructions, regarding safety tips that you would remind any young child of, when crossing the road, at the beach or park.
So, when the expectation and request came that I would be available in the summer holidays, so I could help babysit my cousin’s 3 kids, I knew without a doubt that I had to say ‘no!’ The pressure came indirectly through my Auntie (my cousin’s mum, the grandmother). My Auntie and mother had both raised their children together and had taken turns babysitting and having us over, doing ‘family’. However, my Auntie failed to realise that I didn’t live, breathe and exist in the baby bubble world of parenting, and that it wasn’t my job to give up my own holidays, to look after her grandkids.
Babysitting and taking responsibility for someone else’s kids, wasn’t going to do me any favours, giving me the “child-fix” or somehow miraculously “fill that gap and yearning” for my own children. It also wasn’t fair to assume my time was any less valuable, or that I didn’t need a holiday from my day job. Working with children isn’t always easy either. I love my role as a teacher, getting to enjoy, support and educate others’ children, but like everyone, need a break to recharge over the summer holidays. Now I am confident to speak up, establishing healthy boundaries to protect myself and challenge unreasonable expectations from others. Back then, it was stressful, and my kind mum stepped in and told my Auntie (her sister), that I was far too busy doing my graduate studies, which was true, giving me a polite ‘out’ from this difficult situation.
Parenting must be exhausting and one of the hardest jobs in the world, but as a childless infertile woman, who has her own pressures and life to lead; I have learnt to ask myself, “what is my job, and what is reasonable?” and I am okay with that. It is impossible to please everyone, and just exhausting to try!
