Between the ages of 35 and 44 I was mostly single. I was always optimistic that I would meet a man to have a family with, I don’t think I could entertain the alternative. At 42 some of the physical drive to have children seemed to leave me and I thought I was ‘over it’. Phew. I could get on with life.
Then in 2012 I met a man who had 2 children and was very clear about not wanting any more. I thought I was fine with that, but spending time with him and his children and behaving as a ‘family’ brought up all my unresolved desires to have children of my own.
At first I didn’t know what I was experiencing, the sadness was overwhelming and I seemed to be stuck in a mantra of wishing we had met each other 10 years previously and could have had children together. An internet search led me to Gateway Women, an online global friendship and support group for women childless not by choice.
I hovered for quite a while, I didn’t want to join. I couldn’t face it, couldn’t face the fact that at 44 I didn’t have children and that it was extremely unlikely to happen.
Well, I did join and I found a place to make sense of my strong emotions, to name my grief and have the loss recognised and not shied away from or ‘fixed’. These women ‘got it’, they knew all the triggers and how they get to us, things that seem benign to others.
They gave me a voice to talk about this taboo and chip away at the shame.
And they gave me another thing, hope. Hope that life would feel meaningful again, beyond the pain of loss. 6 years on I still have my days, sometimes my weeks when the feelings are raw and surround me but I know I am not alone.
Sanctuary (see below) is my ‘thankyou’ to the Gateway Women.
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Thankyou for all your answers as to where you have found your Sanctuary, they were so interesting to read. Home and Nature feature highly. I would like to send a copy of my album, Seamonster to Joanna, who has yet to find a Sanctuary.
I’m childlessnot by choice and finding sanctuary in this heartbreaking world of broken dreams has not been found, yet.
I sincerely hope you do.
Sanctuary
I had lines carved on my heart
Words on my lips
No place to say them
Of arms aching to hold
A child on my hips
And you, knew
You gave me
Sanctuary
You gave me
Sanctuary
The water was rising
I was quiet
Silenced by shame
Out in the cold
Nose pressed to the glass
Watching their lives
The story unfold
And you, you knew
You gave me
Sanctuary
You gave me
Sanctuary
The water was rising
I have found a place
To rewrite the story
With grace
You gave me Sanctuary
You gave me Sanctuary
You gave me Sanctuary
Water is rising
Water was rising