Why don’t we adopt? The truthful answer is a multitude of reasons.
My husband and I have looked into this. Of course we have. We have already been through hell to get to this point. We could have continued trying naturally but PCSO and being the wrong side of 35 has put me in a high-risk category. We cannot emotionally take another loss.
People who open their mouths without any actual knowledge seem to think adoption is like picking a kid out of a catalogue. “I’ll have that one please!” Then we all go home together and everyone is happy and fulfilled. The end. This is not the case.
Firstly, adoption is not a cure for infertility. It will not give you experience of pregnancy and fulfil that biological desire on a very basic level. You have to consider most children up for adoption are older so you miss the baby experience altogether.
These children hold memories. Many have experienced trauma, abuse, drug and alcohol addiction in the womb. Some have serious disabilities or behavioural problems. Of course, there is every chance a biological child could be born with genetic issues or serious health implications, as a parent’s worst nightmare you face those obstacles as they come. To adopt a child with such serious issues you have to be a special kind of person. Is it not a parent’s dream to reach each milestone with their child?
Most people couldn’t emotionally overcome that. If you are specific and state you can only offer a home to a healthy child you are already judged and most likely rejected.
Your life is pulled apart in the process and ‘red tape’. You have to tick ridiculous boxes that natural parents don’t get judged or assessed on. I understand safety checks for any child being homed but birth parents can come from any background, be any weight, have many health problems, financial problems etc. Not the case for those looking to adopt.
We are exhausted and can’t face any further disappointment. Are you aware people can get rejected because of one opinion from a future grandparent on their adoption views? Are you aware that ex partners will need to be contacted and quizzed? As will your boss, doctor, friends, family, even vet? Your pets, home, social circle, medical records are scrutinised.
If you do finally get approved through to the next stage there is no guarantee you will be assigned a child. You could be waiting for years. I know people who have given up at this stage, after being short-listed and losing out through no fault of their own.
Then there is the whole bonding process that may not come so easy to a traumatized child needing a lifetime of therapy. Adoption is not an easy answer. Neither is it necessarily the next step. Depending on where in the world you live adoption can also be extortionate. Not everyone can afford the fees involved.