Maureen Hollmeyer
I will never forget the phone call that came with the results of my IVF procedure! Mostly, how I couldn’t breathe when they said that after 8 weeks, I was no longer pregnant. I went into a state of shock, because I practiced The Law of Attraction, positivity and I never let myself think of the possibility of negative news. I had always dreamed of having twins so when they inserted 3 eggs, I was ecstatic. To me, my babies were already alive and I secretly called them Hans & Hannah assuming they were a boy & girl.
Prior to the phone call, I remember swimming, feeling so joyous knowing that they were inside of me, nesting away until it was time to meet. I was floating in the water, light as a feather, with excitement in my heart. Little did I know that would be the last time of feeling joyful that was related to being a mom.
When I was in shock, I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t know what to do with all my emotions. I felt like I was going to explode with rage, anger, disappointment and confusion. It was the lowest point in my life and from there I went into a state of depression.
I didn’t want to live. What was there to live for?
I was 42 years old; my life was half over and I could no longer be the person I wanted to be; a mom. Something that came so natural for other women, I was denied that glorious life of living through the eyes of innocence & love. And it wasn’t from not trying, because it took me 7 years and 2 husbands to come to this disappointing ending.
For weeks, I couldn’t get out of bed, I cried every day and mourned my babies that I couldn’t meet until I went to heaven. I wasn’t functioning at work; I was a dead person inside and it showed on my face. It was imprinted with unhappiness while the rest of the world went on about their days.
I went through all the stages of grief; I went to counseling & I took medications in hopes to balance out my chemistry. Nothing worked, nothing could replace my maternal longings.
Luckily, I was laid off, which was the best possible case scenario for me anyway. I decided to work with my husband as his landscaping assistant and my moods started to lift. Nature was healing me and for the first time since I was a child, I started to appreciate nature again.
Soon it was time to get back to reality and try to reinvent myself again. What do I want to do with my life? I’d been a social worker for almost 15yrs. and I knew I wasn’t strong enough to help others yet, so I got a seasonal job at Christmas working in the mall.
In the meantime, my medications started to work. I felt motivated again & this is why I tell everyone that Wellbutrin saved my life! It literally made me want to live again.
I was back at work helping others as a social worker, and several years went by with expected setbacks and triggers, reminding me of my failure to become a mom, but nothing I couldn’t handle by that point.
Then my cat of 18yrs passed away and there I was again, back in the state of depression dealing with a loss again. Day by day, month by month I got used to not having my fur baby in my life, but of course, I still felt a void.
To my surprise, my husband and I decided to get a puppy! I grew up with cats, so this was a whole new experience and I loved it! I was a mom for the first time in my life! Then along came our second puppy a year later so they had each other to play with and grow together.
I named them Hans and Hannah!I knew in my heart, those names were meant for me to use, but they were the names of my dogs not my babies! Life works in mysterious ways, and ever since they have healed my heart in a way I never imagined!
I still get sad around every holiday, since it’s a constant reminder of being childless. There is no dressing up for Halloween, putting milk & cookies out for Santa, birthday parties, dress clothes for church or for the first day of school. I still struggle when my friends talk about their adult children and how they’re becoming grandmothers now. It makes me wonder, why not me?
I can tell you; the pain runs deep and it never stops, however it only comes in small waves, if you learn how to keep it at bay.
I’m still not 100% happy about my circumstances, but I’m proud of who I’ve become because of my trauma, as I’ve reinvented myself over and over throughout my life.
Never under estimate the power of love between you and your pet! They are God’s gift from heaven as he knows what we need to continue living in this unpredictable but glorious world.
Angelic Guidance
I’m a former social worker of 20 years who has helped hundreds of people reach their goals in all walks of life. Now, through the guidance of my angels, I provide assistance to women who are childless, by teaching spiritual tools, social work concepts and providing first-hand advice on how to bring joy back into your life. Ultimately, this will help you with reinventing yourself to help you shine your true colors plus you will learn to live your best life even without children; just as I have!