By now you should be thirteen and sixteen
laughing long into the night
after lights have turned dark
sharing unexpected adventures of summer evenings
to last you till next time the sun turns.
Read moreAmbivalence
Dialogue has stopped
Rocks, untouched, sit in the garden
The pavement is a blank canvas
Grief is the only color I know to use
Read moreMe Too
I too am childless not by choice. Over the years I have felt very alone and that it was “just me” Finding others, and reading their stories has brought a lot of solace and helped me realise that it isn’t “just me”. For that reason I have felt that I would like to share my story, in case it can help others, as their stories helped me.
Read moreA Yoga Room
Not in the consulting room
does heart break
but in the footsteps walking away
in the closing of the car door.
Read moreNever Had A Bean
Auntie
I haven’t had sex with anyone for over 10 years. Not by choice, not intentionally, not that I don’t want to. It’s just that it hasn’t happened. For whatever reasons. For reasons that stupefy me, baffle me, embarrass me, make me feel like a complete freak.
Read moreAn Ode to Understanding
To my laughing friends,
I know I’m been in a settled relationship, don’t marvel at my sensibility or control.
I know I’m a woman in her mid-twenties, don’t tell me there’s plenty of time.
I know you’re all blessed with children, don’t say I’m the lucky one.
Read moreThe Box
My childlessness story is a fifteen year journey of assumptions, disappointments, denials, self blame and what I now recognise as trauma.
Read moreNear And Far
I Saw Your Face
I saw your face when you made love to me
I saw your face when you held me close and we danced
Read moreWhat's next...?
Theres a churning in my stomach,
an ache of pain and sorrow,
There feels like something's missing,
but I can't quite identify it.
Medusa
Oh — who’s that?
She reminds me of someone I know, frightening!
Don’t look at her head, it’s dangerous!
There must be something wrong with her...
Silence Can Be Deafening
How gullible was I? A product of Irish, Catholic parents, it was assumed I would settle down, get married and have children just like all of my other school friends eventually went on to do.
Read moreThe Absence
Childlessness is the absence of a life, a life you planned
That didnt happen......
If Only
I was born in 1971; from as far back as I can remember as a young child I would play with my friends and talk about being a mom, I knew how many children I would have and I had names picked out and sometimes the names would change here and there. Regardless all through childhood up to marriage I just knew I would have children.
Read moreThe Big C
In this video Stephanie Phillips, World Childless Week and Karin Enfield De Vries, Gateway Women discuss how cancer has impacted on their childlessness.
Read moreWhy God?
Dear God, Why?
Why are most people I know married? Why aren’t I?
Why do most people I know have children? Why don’t I?
Read moreMemory story
Memories come and go
I am back there, lying in the bath. The violins sweeping and a piano softly playing.
The ordeal is over, but the real pain is just about to begin.
Read moreOne Woman Show
A one-woman show that occurs in my bathroom 2-3 times a year.
Curtain opens on Carissa, 40 years old, in bathroom when period is 2 days late: Carissa’s inner voice talking to herself:
Never ever
I said stop and no to more treatments. We had considered this for a while, reflected upon this – now the doctors also recommended it; they could see no reason for us to continue. Our decision became somewhat easier to make.
Read more