Where the hell were you hiding when our family plans were discussed? Why did you make your appearance in the most devastating way possible? You came out of nowhere and made your presence known. It ripped my heart to smithereens looking up at that ultrasound screen.  You see… I had a small, silly hope in my soul that miscarriage number three was partially mistaken. After all there could have been a twin that survived right? It happens! I still felt pregnant. Only a few months earlier I was planning our futures together. All the love I felt in an instant. I fiercely wanted to keep my pip safe, but you came along and threw my body into an all out war. My body still wasn’t right. I felt so unwell and my hormones were out of sorts. Maybe my baby was still there? Well I guess PCOS you had a good laugh that day. The only thing looking back at me was an ovarian cyst the size of an orange on one side, and a cluster of smaller ones on the other.  How dare you invade my body and mimic a pregnancy that didn’t exist. You have taken everything from me.

Stop sending me your awful gifts. Feel free to take back all the excess hormones. I don’t have room for them. I would appreciate you retuning my cycles and ability to ovulate more than twice a year too for that matter. It feels like you ripped the woman out of me!!! I don’t care for all of these menopausal symptoms, too many to list and way before my time! You can take them back. The debilitating cramps, the middle of the night fevers and embarrassing adult acne that stripped me of the little confidence I had. They are all yours. Keep them. Not only have you scarred me inside and out, trying your best to give me diabetes, but also you took someone who was NOT yours to take! You made me watch my husband cry for our pip. That is unforgivable!

You see PCOS, he wishes in hindsight we carried out our family plans long before you showed your ugly, cruel face. Eight years ago we should have ignored the need to financially prepare, to wait until the perfect family home was ours.  I WILL fight you PCOS and I WILL WIN! It is too late for having children now but this war is far from over! If I had a do-over, in hindsight I wouldn’t have been such a sensible girl, making sure I didn’t repeat family history of teen pregnancy. Maybe I should have been rather promiscuous? I was careful throughout dating, doubling up on contraception. I had no doubt in my mind on my desires to be a mother, just not then. I thought I was so smart waiting for the right man to whisk me off my feet. If only I knew of you my invisible enemy! I am coming for you PCOS. I suggest you don’t get too comfortable in my life.

Un apologetically,