Dear Infertility

I don’t know what to call you.... Dream catcher? Dream destroyer? Soul eater?

The pain you have caused me is unbearable, I can feel how life gets harder and harder with every empty breath I take.

As a little girl we get dolls to play with, we learn how to be a mama. Family and friend say that we would be great parents one day society makes all girls believe that they will be mothers, no one tells you about endometriosis, pcos or uterus cancer.

I can still remember the day that the doctor asked if we would like to be parents one day. We assured him it’s our biggest dream, we have names picked out. His words.....I’m sorry but you have cancer you have to have a hysterectomy. Our lives were shattered.

After my operation I woke up to the news that they took out the cysts and cancer and still have my uterus!! We WERE SO HAPPY.... Then after another unfruitful (ugly word isn't it) year we starter with IV and injections to get pregnant. We used up all our savings, all the money that we would have bought our house with. Nothing... After 5 years my pain was back, unbearable, the cancer was now in my uterus. A Hysterectomy was this time a huge reality. After my operation, I would sometimes wake up with morning sickness, I could feel my baby kick inside me.

I tried to commit suicide twice.

My siblings have children we have a big empty house. It’s like a limb that was amputated , you still feel everything inside but it’s like a stupid taunting joke, laughing at you in silence and then being brought back to life and everything just comes crashing down again.

Oh and dear infertility my rock solid marriage, will stay, Even if hubby loses his mind I won’t let you break me. I'm praying and holding on. Do you now know that he drinks his sorrow away? And that after one too many that he gets to be an ugly drunk? That I sometimes get so scared that I hide? Just to find him, realising what he is doing sobbing and asking why us??? Have you ever seen a big man break??

I sometimes hurt myself just to feel another kind of pain.

I see small children and wonder what would happen if I just take one.... But to let another being hurt like we do never. I won’t ruin life’s like you do. So dear infertility, go fuck yourself! You might have taken our very last dream, you might have ruined and scared us for life, but I do promise you we will get through this. There will be a day that we would stop crying at night, that we would be able to forgive ourselves, God and eventually you.

From a CNBC survivor