Hate Mail to Endometriosis

Dear Endo,

EFF YOU. You royally screwed me over. But unlike many screws, it didn't result in a baby. Lucky me? No "morning after pill" needed? Yay??? I SUFFER from YOU, Endometriosis, day in and out. I've had 15 surgeries so far INCLUDING a full hysterectomy, in a whopping 4 year span, and NONE of them have "cured" me...not even for a moment's grace. I have looked back in time, thanks to Facebook memories after surgeries...right after...and a couple months after, to several months after... up to where I currently am now. I have gotten NO reprieve. ZERO.
You're sadly a debilitating illness...I have been called "rare and impressive" by MANY DIFFERENT "2nd opinion specialists"! WTF?!?! Endo, you spread like cancer...feed like cancer...behave like cancer...but aren't cancer, yet, CAN CAUSE MANY CANCERS???? THERE IS NO CURE FOR you, ENDOMETRIOSIS. You Bastard.

I guarantee you, I would prefer to be a contributing part of the American workforce. Interacting with colleagues daily. But, YOU, my brilliant disease, have left me a prisoner to the "UNKNOWN". It is "UNKNOWN" how long I will need to sit in the bathroom in agonizing pain, HOPING for some semblance of "an outcome". It is "UNKNOWN" when or how sharp the next "attack" on my body, my body will impart on me. It is "UNKNOWN" how long I will be able to endure any social/family gatherings. It is "UNKNOWN" how long it will take me to recuperate in solitude after the aforementioned gatherings, because I put "the best me" out there, hiding my illness trying to enjoy those few and precious moments I rarely get to experience like most who were lucky enough to have had children and NOT be "SENTENCED TO INFERTILITY."

I AM DISABLED. I FOUGHT FOR YEARS...for my disability to be recognized alongside with my other "endo-adjacent illnesses". And, yet, SO MANY STILL DON'T recognize my illness as a disability "because I look so good". I suffer from Stage 4 YOU, ENDOMETRIOSIS. THERE IS NO CURE. My adhesions began reforming as soon as my surgeon was about to stitch me closed. Not enough doctors are properly educated in You, Endometriosis and how to treat and EXCISE your ADHESIONS. SUFFERERS are not taken seriously amongst medical professionals.

This needs to STOP. THE PAIN IS REAL. WE ARE REAL. ENDO EXISTS, AND SO DO WE. It DOESN'T "go away" as recent celebrity figures may have stated (Lena Dunham, I'm pointing at you)... wait, in a few months when she's back to writhing in pain like the rest of us (I don't wish her ill...I hope she IS "pain-free". Just DON'T CLAIM to be "cured", because there is NO SUCH THING, and that gives false hope to many, and then they give up on being warriors. We are not victims. We are Endowarriors. But, we cannot fight this battle alone. We are tired and often times weak, but we fight. We DO NEED HELP. YOUR HELP!

Ugh!! I'm so tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being stabbed from the inside out. I'm tired of falling to my knees in the middle of a store...I'm tired of "knowing how to handle this". I just want to live! I HATE hating. I HATE feeling angry, and envious, and sad, and depressed, and miserably HOT then cold. I HATE ALL of this. I just want to be ME AGAIN...whoever THAT was...

Damn you, ENDOMETRIOSIS. And, Damn your friend Fibromyalgia and your new friend Osteoporosis...thanks to that damn hysterectomy you made me have, Asshole. Yeah, no hormones because of that DVT you gave me post-op. I HATE YOU. You have no balls, you can't even show your effing face!

Regretfully, PAINFULLY, Sadly, Heartbroken, Shattered, & Sinceriously,

Mia San Antonio-Silvetti
(yeah, you know me)