Adoption from a different angle

Steph held an online chat about adoption, here is the transcript

Debbie: You could always adopt..." I'm adopted, and believe you me, for many, many reasons it is NOT the simple solution. One aspect that many people forget is the trauma an infant/child can experience when being separated from their birth parent(s). In my experience, a huge factor to be considered.

Katie: My husband is an adoptee and it is really hard. He has suffered a lot from abandonment trauma. When we looked into international adoption and I spoke with the adoptees who presented at the information sessions, I asked all of them, "Would you do this? Would you adopt?" All of them said "No!"

Debbie: Abandonment and developmental trauma....very real concerns. I can totally empathise with your husband.

Angela: Do you think anything in particular contributed to your trauma? Anything that could have been done differently?

Debbie: For me, yes there are things that could have been done differently....but at that time I was an infant and could not convey my wants and needs.....only to cry...

Katie: The bond between the mother and child was formed in the womb and it is broken. Nothing can fix that.

Debbie: Exactly.....trauma from the very start of a life. I know as I have to live with this...doing my best to try and heal but the emotional scars run deep.

Many people do not understand that there is a before...before being adopted, and this has to be taken into account. It is not just about the future being offered, the past has to be tenderly and very carefully nurtured. I remember many people saying that I was so lucky to be adopted.....yeah, really.....so I was lucky to be taken away from my birth mum then?!!! I know my circumstances and of course they differ from person to person, but from my own experience, I would not call myself lucky to have been separated from my mother.

Katie: my hubby has had a lot on counselling and he works very hard to react to things differently to how he actually feels. But, as you say, these things have always been there so run very deep.

That is exactly right!! People say really stupid stuff.

Debbie: *high five* for your husband. For me, developmental trauma also has played a huge part in my life.... I wish the idea of adopting was not so seemingly glibly talked about by many. We are human beings, not something you put in a bid for and BINGO you've got a child. Layers of emotions run deep within adoptees, and from my experiences, much time, patience and understanding is required to help us find our own identities. Just my personal take on things.....I am an adoptee and have firsthand knowledge and experiences.

Hope I'm not getting too heavy on this topic, but it is something very close to my heart and possibly by sharing my own experiences, I might help those considering adoption to have a deeper and greater insight into some of the emotional challenges that may well lie ahead of them.

Katie: I don't think it gets talked about enough as a serious topic. Celebrities get on TV showing off their latest adoptee and pushing for adoption to be easier. It is a hugely important issue that is not treated as such. Adoptees are people!!! People are not to be bought or sold or treated like a commodity or told that they are so lucky to be adopted.

Not sure where you are from Debbie, but in Australia you can only adopt internationally. The most popular place to adopt from is Taiwan where you go and meet the birth mother and take her child from her!!! How is this acceptable!!! We are not adopting orphans who have no family!! We are taking children from their mother and from their culture and this is ok??? Why is this ok? Because rich westerners like myself are so desperate to have a child. What is being told to these mothers to give up their children?? These children are being bought and sold and it is lawfully. Once I looked into this, it has made me so mad especially as I know how hard it to be an adoptee from my hubby. I'm probably making this far too intense now!!

Debbie: Intense can be just what is called for. As you have said "I don't think it gets talked about enough as a serious topic." I would gladly share some of my own personal experiences if it could help enlighten those that are considering adoption. Infants/children get 'fractured'....the primal wound.  I'm from England.

Not wishing to compare animals to us...but here goes.....when young animals get separated from their mothers at birth/ infancy....they struggle and how many people are angered by such a process.......thousands upon thousands..... what about us human beings? !!!!!!

IMO, I don't think so. I understand and appreciate the reasons why children are put up for adoption....finances, welfare, parents addictions etc....but taking a child away from its birth parents, especially it's mother....is a traumatic event, there is no other way to describe it. For many months whilst in the womb, all an unborn knows is the sound of its mum's voice, smells, sensing emotions....a safe and warm environment to be in....and then being born into a very different environment...but still having the 'comfort blanket' of mum.....and then even that is taken away from you........leaving you with nothing familiar, something frightening.....and you have to cope the best way you can. An infant will cry.....it wants and needs attention, love, comforting, to be held and feel safe.