I am Alana and I have been childless for 30 years.

1. Mother- I assumed this would be my title. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mum raising our four children.

2. Blindsided- The doctor’s words changed the course of our lives.

3. God- The plans, hopes and dreams for the future were shattered but we held tight to the truth that our God is a good God.

4. Pain- an ache, a sorrow, a hurt like no other- unseen and misunderstood.

5. Loss- never seeing, knowing, loving those children that would resemble my husband and I.

6. Teacher- a role that gives me purpose and an opportunity to love the children in my life.

7. Family- not being able to add cousins, grandchildren, nieces and nephews to the mix.

8. Heartache- holding someone’s child and allowing myself to look fully in their little face, smell their hair and touch their smooth baby skin.

9. Grief- rises again and again in unexpected settings, making me choose fewer social events for my own self-care.

10. Glimmers- precious moments when good friends and family allow us to love and to be present in the lives of their children.