Ros, Australia
10 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME AND MY CHILDLESS JOURNEY
1. I am childless not by choice, due to a long and difficult infertility journey. We tried so hard to become parents, but it wasn’t to be and there were no miracle outcomes from medical intervention, and no wealthy bank-account for adoption.
2. Trying to conceive from my mid-twenties and most of my thirties really took a toll on my physical body, my emotions, finances and social/recreational life. While friends were off having exciting adventures and holidays, I was at home navigating ovulation cycles, endometriosis pain, dysmenorrhea and medical appointments.
3. It took years of self-work, determination and grief counselling to recover from the loss of my dream of being a mother, to emerge with hope and a positive outlook for my future.So, if you’re reading this, please know that it is possible to move on and navigate childlessness.
4. My Christian faith has been a source of strength and stability throughout my life, but the pronatalist attitudes of the church has made my journey more difficult. I have had sufficient faith, courage and trust in God to have a huge family. My prayers not being answered in the way I wanted, has nothing to do with a failure of faith, lifestyle or action.
I am no less of a Christian woman for not bearing children.
5. I have not failed as a person because my life looks different to most other women my age. I was raised and socialised (as was the era of being an early 70’s baby) to expect to grow up, fall in love, marry and raise a family. It didn’t really occur to me as a child, teen or young adult that life could be very different from this stereo-typical model; until confronted with infertility challenges. Embracing difference and diversity is part of what is it to be a woman, in all its shapes, sizes and colours.
6. Not having children does not make me a selfish person. It also does not mean I have unlimited time or availability, to help and take responsibility for others. I am entitled to live my own life in a way that works for me.
7. My life does look different, and yes there are some advantages with greater freedom of time, but I have channelled that into making a difference and helping others in my job role (and doing a lot of extra graduate study along the way, which I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to do if I was juggling working and child-raising).
8. I am continually evolving and looking for ways to find purpose, joy and fulfillment in my life, while processing the un-expected waves of grief that still hit from time to time, years down the track. The other day it was hearing about a friend trying to survive teaching their moody teenager to drive, and the grief of ‘I’m never going to experience all the highs and lows and key life moments like seeing my child get their licence’, hit home powerfully (more tears, more processing). However, I can now bounce back more quickly when waves of grief hit, and it is not all-consuming. I have come a long way on this journey and can count my many blessings.
9. Having loving pet dogs over the years, being a ‘fur-parent’ is a source of great joy and comfort to me and helps fill the void of childlessness. My Cavalier King Charles is a walking, breathing, happy teddy-bear!
10. I have a great life and am learning to embrace the advantages of not having children. It’s often the little things, that I am starting to notice more. For example, the other day I looked at my large wardrobe (I have taken over the spare bedroom and made it my pretty dressing room) and I thought how fortunate I am to have room for so many clothes and accessories. If we had been able to have children, it would have been their room, and I would have needed to be ‘much more the minimalist’ sharing a wardrobe with my husband!
I hope these thoughts relate or help in some way on your own unique journey. All the best!
