Leah Brette
My journey with infertility and being Childless Not By Choice, as all journeys are, has been rough, raw, but abundant in lessons to learn about society, the people around me, and especially myself. Before deciding to attempt IVF, I was naive to the world and just assumed it would work, and I had nothing to worry about. Little did I know I was destined for quite the rollercoaster!
Lesson 1 - Take nothing for granted - Nothing is ever what it seems. You assume that certain people will be there for you, to support you unconditionally, when, actually, it's others you didn't expect who step up. We assumed, as did the nurses, that the IVF would work; we took the whole process for granted.
Lesson 2 - Manifesting isn’t what it seems - I was struggling to accept that at 30 years old I couldn't just have a child the same as all my friends, colleagues and family. I came across a book which promised to help me manifest everything that I wanted in life. Sadly, the book didn't help; I didn't manifest what I wanted, and I felt like an absolute failure, which further impacted my mental health massively. It's not as simple as thinking a thought and having it come true. There is so much more to manifesting, as I know now.
Lesson 3 - People Pleasing - Throughout our IVF journey, we constantly put others at the forefront of our minds, such as our parents, our family, and what our colleagues and friends would think of us. I have learnt now that putting yourself first is not selfish. Whether I have a child or not, I am worthy of being cared for and putting myself first with healthy boundaries firmly in place, as are you.
Lesson 4 - Self-Care - As I have said in lesson 3, self-care is so important and you are so worthy of putting yourself first. Just because you don't have a child doesn't mean to say that you can't have a day to yourself. Switch off your phone and just be in your own presence. You don't always have to be on the go just to prove your worth.
Lesson 5 - The power of connection - If it wasn't for certain groups, such as the Dovecot community and World Childless Week, I honestly don't know where I would be today. I do know that I would not be as comfortable and confident with my situation as I am now. Having that connection with others who are in the same position as myself and my husband and feeling part of a community is so powerful. My lesson is not to shy away from people but to embrace that connection.
Lesson 6 -Trust - This was a hard lesson for me to learn, and I am still developing a little bit of this now. It's hard to know who to trust and what to trust. Well-intentioned people always told me to trust the process and that I would fall pregnant. This has never happened, and so I do believe that you need to trust your own intuition and trust when you know when your journey is taking a different direction.
Lesson 7 - Self-worth - This has been a beautiful lesson for me to learn, and again, I'm still developing this. I am so worthy; my worth is not diminished because I don't have a child. I have so much more to give. My worth isn't determined by my ability to become pregnant. My worth is determined by my actions and how I treat others as well as myself. Permit yourself to forgive yourself, because you deserve forgiveness.
Lesson 8- Self-Love - I didn't realise how little I loved myself until I went through this IVF process. I was a teenager of the 90s, and I was taught that you had to look a certain way, follow a certain societal norm to be accepted. So, when in my mid 30s, I accepted my childlessness status, that is when I realised how much I loved myself and I appreciated the journey I had been on. What I had been through, and I was still standing, still strong, still helping others. I am pretty amazing and so are you.
Lesson 9 - True Self - There's a saying, ‘What doesn't kill you makes you stronger’. I honestly believe that my true strength has revealed itself within the last 10 years during my infertility journey. My true self is strong, compassionate, empathetic, kind, and genuine. My true self doesn't need to please others or show others what I am capable of and worthy of. My true self knows that, and that's enough.
Lesson 10 - Dream big or dream small - Just because we don't have children doesn't mean to say that we need to rush off and achieve huge goals like climbing mountains or have multi-£1,000,000 businesses. If you want to dream big, that is brilliant. But if you also want to dream small, such as dreaming of a short walk and a nice cup of coffee on a much-needed day off, there is nothing wrong with that at all. Your dreams are your dreams, and nobody can take that away from you, whether they are big or small.
