Cece
The Childless Girlfriend/stepmom: An Essay on the experience of a 40 something dating a single dad
The audacity how some parents think childless people in their 40s have this selfish mindset maybe they had before having kids.
"The single parent is always going to choose their kids first." As they should. As the adult figure partner, I would choose them first as well. Why would you think I wouldn’t? Have you ever asked yourself that? Probably not.
I’m told, "you're going to want all your time with your partner and will feel jealous of the kids." You think parents have time for each other while raising kids together? Not really depending on the circumstances. Do they understand what they’re saying?
I experienced infertility. I was diagnosed with PTSD from that situation. I've had time to think and question myself about having kids in my life. I've had time to research. I've had time to ask myself if I could date people with kids. I've been told so many times, “Kids come first!" as if I don't understand what that means.
When I get the first hand experience of it people have all these harsh judgements and condescending opinions and assume things.
These are the same people who say they didn't know what love was until their first child. You didn’t love the person you had the child with??? Were you a sociopath before??
I can't speak for every woman who has had the unfortunate experience of becoming childless by circumstance but, I am fine dating a single father who has small children. Having a tight schedule, helping out and the father being available 50% of the time is okay with me. I don't need copious amounts of attention and know how important it is for everything to be child-centric in the relationship. Some mothers have made it very clear to me the above mentioned and also that my single dad boyfriend will not ever put me first. So what they’re trying to tell me is that their partners never put them first?
Will single fathers cancel plans with the girlfriend last minute if the kids want to come over and use the pool? My understanding is that the girlfriend will never come first ever because they are the girlfriend and not the mother.
I understand kids come first when there's emergencies and when they're struggling. I think it should go without saying that kids also need to be considered in plans.
I would love to develop a relationship with kids and be a positive adult figure in their lives. I grew close to my ex’s youngest and I was truly devastated when someone my ex knew said the following to me after we broke up… “I know the child doesn't dislike you, Claire, I just think there might be some discomfort there knowing that you and (exbf) aren't together anymore. They are a kid and I don't think they really know what to expect or how to interact with you anymore." Just because a relationship doesn't work out doesn't mean you can't be in the kids lives anymore.
But what do I know, I wouldn't understand and I would just stress out the father. To quote the same person who actually told me,
"guess now is the time I will be completely honest and not hold back when I tell you that you couldn't handle (my ex’s child) 50% of the time...I said you didn't really know what you were getting into. How do you think it would be if you had the child every single single day? This relationship was not for you, the second you realized you couldn't handle one child every other week was your indication this isn't going to work for you." This was after I reached out for help/advice. All I got was judgement and written off as "selfish" and told to "suck it up."
I've heard stories about new mothers not receiving enough support, help or advice from family, friends or their husbands/ boyfriends upon having their first born. Remember the adjustment period? New parents having to navigate a new life is a huge adjustment. So what that person was trying to tell me was that their marriage and newborn was not for them either? This is something I am willing to do but I need an adjustment period. But what do I know? Im not a mother.
An Unclear Role
The childless girlfriend/stepmom has an unclear role and is often left out usually on purpose.
If we're not a parent, nor a mother then what are we? What is our role? Older kids will see us as dad's girlfriend and younger kids will see us as dad's friend. In my opinion I believe in being gentle and letting the kids get acclimated to me instead of forcing a bond. People will say mean things like the girlfriend/ stepmom is taking their mother's place. Thus, making the relationship between the childless girlfriend and the older kids strained before it could even begin. Who would say such an awful thing?! With younger kids they will probably see me as a friend and not necessarily an adult figure making looking after them challenging. The role is still unclear.
No matter how soon or how much a couple waits for the girlfriend to meet the kids, there's still going to be an adjustment period and her role will be unclear and she will be very judged.
Jamie Scrimgeour, a stepmom coach says in her blog Filed In, "If you're too involved, you're overstepping. If you're not involved enough, you're not taking your role seriously. You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't." Nothing we do is ever perfect and never really taken into consideration.
Does that mean single mothers will be treated differently and have a clear role if she dated a single father? "Oh she knows a thing or two about them kids!!"
"Why heck, she's a second mom!!!
Roll out that red carpet! Get rid of that childless woman hanging* around!" What about those people who abandoned their first families and found someone else to create a new family with?
What if that single mom is horrible?
