Gráinne Walsh
I never questioned whether I wanted to become a mother. I always knew I did. From a young age I assumed I would get the opportunity. I was the classic little girl who loved playing with dolls. I minded them, I brought my doll Ilham (we lived in Sudan from when I was nearly 4 until 6 so I named her after my favourite woman there) for walks in her beautiful navy pram. I washed, brushed and plaited her hair. I changed her outfits. As I got older I loved minding kids. I enjoyed being around children. I adored becoming an aunt. I’d always happily take the baby to give a parent a break when visiting family or friends.
When I finished school I didn’t know what I wanted to do but had a feeling I’d like to work with kids. I studied an Arts degree in Spanish and Sociology and knew that left lots of paths open. I discovered Occupational Therapy (OT) halfway through my undergrad. I volunteered with some wonderful children and young people over my summers. They inspired me to study my Masters in OT. After I qualified I knew I wanted to work with children/young people. It was hard to find a job as the recession had hit. I was lucky to finally get to do the work I wanted to 4 years later. I’ve worked with children and young people ever since, 13 years this year.
I had a number of relationships over the years from college, during my Masters and beyond. It seemed like I couldn’t find the right person. I thought perhaps I was looking for too much or I was too much. I was too sensitive.
Then one random night out I met Brian. We clicked immediately. I was upfront and honest with him from the outset. I was 35 so had enough life experience and bad experiences to know what I wanted. I laid my cards out on the table. We talked about wanting kids early on. I would have walked away if he hadn’t wanted them too.
Fast forward 2 years we got engaged. The easiest YES. We started talking more seriously about starting a family. Then Covid hit. We were renting then looking to buy our first home. We secured our home in September 2020. We started trying in January 2021. Trying being the operative word. Many scans, MRI, semen analysis, laparoscopy, blood tests. I was diagnosed with endometriosis and Brian with azoospermia. Our only option to have a biological child was IVF or ICSI to be specific. More procedures, TESE, injections, scans, bloods, egg retrievals. Cancelled cycles. Two embryo transfers, one fresh, one frozen. From trying through tests to our final transfer 3.5/4 years passed. We took a break in summer 2024. Our hearts were broken. We had an unforgettable trip to France. We cried, we laughed, we talked, we explored, we witnessed, we breathed, we sat, we drank, we slept, we swam, we ate, we stopped. By November 2024 we realised we had to stop for good. For us. We had to choose us. We had to preserve our mental health. We have struggled and grieved so much in the intervening years. We had cried more than we thought possible. We have been counselled. We are medicated. We have worked. We have had to take time off work. We have loved. We have lost. We have laughed. We have screamed. We have fallen apart. We have put ourselves back together. We became pawrents. We have found joy in our lurcher girl Juno. She has helped mend us. Being pawrents broke us a little more too.
I found the childless community little by little this year. A community we never knew existed. A community that has helped me and us beyond measure. I discovered The Full Stop podcast. My husband knows when I mention my new pals, I’m talking about Michael, Berenice & Sarah. I listened voraciously episode by episode from #1. I found their online community. I found Jody Day. I found the Childless Collective. I’ve read books recommended. I discovered Storyhouse. I befriended other childless people in Ireland that I have yet to meet in real life. I opened up to more people in my life, in work and outside, about being childless not by choice (CNBC). I shared on social media about being CNBC.
We continue to be counselled. We are still medicated. I’m now in perimenopause and started HRT. Grief upon grief. Juno is no replacement for a child but she has brought so much love into our home. She has given us an opportunity to pour our love into another. We discovered a houndie crew we never knew existed either. They have accepted us and our childlessness without any questions. Many of them are childless too. Whether by choice, circumstance or otherwise. We don’t ask.
Our dream of becoming parents didn’t come true. Sometimes I can’t believe I’m never going to be a mother or Brian a father. We would have been amazing parents. We think. Some days I’m so angry. Some days I feel utterly broken. Some days I feel quite strong. Some days I laugh so much my cheeks hurt. Some days I cry so much my eyes are sore and my head pounds. We are living this life unexpected. We will keep on living. One day at a time. Our wedding song was “Tougher Than the Rest”. We’re trying to be.
