Emily B. Olsen-Utah, United States
One hard thing about infertility is the feeling of being left behind-over, and over again. At first, it’s hoping that this will be the month you get pregnant--but it doesn’t happen. It’s watching friends, family, and neighbors get pregnant when you can’t. After starting treatments, it’s hoping maybe this treatment will work, and then feeling disappointed when it doesn’t. Some people even may decide to be done but then hear about a new treatment and decide to try once more. It’s hard not to feel left behind, like life is passing you by. Every once in a while, a song or part of a song touches me. Around September of 2024 as I was listening to the song “Lost in the Woods” from frozen I started thinking about the first few lines:
“Again, your gone.
Off on a different path than mine.
I’m left behind, wondering if I should follow.”
I feel left behind, on a path I can’t follow. The idea to write a song popped into my head and wouldn’t leave until I did it. I have not been able to bring myself to sing it, or at least not all the way through. It is unlikely I will be a mom in this life. The emotional toll of infertility treatments was extremely hard. My husband and I are not interested in more treatments. I want to adopt, but my husband does not. I keep hoping he will change his mind. However, it has been almost five years since our last treatment, and he so far hasn’t changed his mind. In my head I know that I need to accept that I am not going to be a mom in this life. My heart is struggling to accept it. This song is an attempt to sort out some of my feelings.
Lost Motherhood (To the tune of “Lost in the Woods” from frozen)
Again,your gone.
Motherhood left me behind.
And no one knows why this path I can’t follow.
Why did you go?
I suppose I may look fine,
But inside I feel such sorrow.
Somehow, I move on when life’s falling apart.
Somehow, I cope when there’s a hole in my heart.
I can’t seem to find you, have I lost motherhood?
My heart hurts, and there’s a hole, cause your gone.
There’s a missing milestone that was called motherhood.
I don’t know how to move on.
Oh, motherhood.
Until now I expected it would all work out.
I never thought there was a storm I would weather.
Who am I If this path I can’t find?
Who am I if things don’t get better.
Get better.
I can’t not seem to find you
Have I lost motherhood?
Treatments fail, time goes by
Are you gone?
There’s a hole in my heart
And it’s called motherhood
I don’t know if you’re still there.
I may wait for a time.
To figure out--what path is mine.
Have I lost, lost motherhood?
Are you lost motherhood?
I am still trying to sort out my feelings. I am trying to move forward and find a path that works for me. Though I cannot have my own children, I still have a desire to nurture children. Maybe I need to nurture children at church more, or nurture nieces and nephews more. I am still trying to work out what I will do.
