Emily B. Olsen-Utah, United States

I wrote this in 2019. At the time my husband and I were going through fertility treatments. I am sharing it in hopes that maybe it will help someone. Whether it helps them understand infertility better or it helps them, because they can relate to it.

When I first heard the "A million dreams" song from “The Greatest Showman” I felt it fit me well in some ways. My "a million dreams" mostly revolve around being a mother. I dream of turning our spare bedroom into a kids room. Of having children play in our yard. Of little feet running across the floor. Sometimes it feels like it will take "a million" dollars to cover treatments (okay it's only tens of thousands of dollars, but it feels like millions). Anyways I got thinking about the "A million dreams" song. Here's my a million dreams- infertility version:

NOTE from Steph: If you can, play the music low as you read Emily’s song as it brings her song to life, as I imagine Emily experienced it.

I look around and I can see
All these children around me
But they're not my own.
On Mother's day it's a chore
Just to make it through the door
Of our church alone [without children]..
I can say, I can say I want a baby
But they say, But they say it's not my time.
Yes I'd love, Yes I'd love to hold your baby
How I wish, How I wish that one was mine
Every night I lie in bed
And dreams of children fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake
I think of what our world could be
Without this infertility
A million dreams is all it's gonna take
A million dreams for the world we wanna make.
More fundraising to do
Treatments cost a lot it's true
There's so much to pay
Yes, perhaps we could adopt
But that too cost a lot
Help us Lord we pray.
And these drugs, And these drugs they make me crazy.
We just hope this treatment works this time.
Yes We'd love, Yes We'd love to have a baby
Are we running, running out of time?
Every night I lie in bed
And dreams of children fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake
I think of what our world could be
Without this infertility
A million dreams is all it's gonna take
A million dreams for the world we wanna make
It may be hard, but we push on
Hoping this road won't be long
This dream too can be.
And when it's hard to just keep on
Others they help us along
To the world we see
To the world where our dreams can be
Where our dreams can be!
Every night I lie in bed for empty arms the tears I shed.
A million dreams are keeping me awake.
I think of what our world could be
Without this infertility
A million dreams is all its gonna take
A million dreams for the world we wanna make.
For the world were gonna make.

A note about the attached picture (below). This picture was part of our “a million dreams.” It was part of our fundraising efforts. We sold pieces of the puzzle as a fundraiser. Each piece has someone’s name written on the back who contributed to our fundraiser. Though the treatments did not work we will forever be grateful for all who contributed to our efforts to try to make the dreams come true.