Bindi Shah
World Childless Week People’s Champion 2023/24
Reconnection to who I was prior to realising I would be childless; and connecting to who I am now that I am childless, has become a big theme for me in the last 2-3 years. I am reconnecting to parts of me which were lost during the pursuit of motherhood, and the grief which came from that story not ending as I wanted it to.
While I was still in the pursuit stage, before I knew I would be childless, I was life coaching and teaching meditation. I had a vibrant business in Saltdean, Brighton – by the sea. I taught meditation classes from my home studio space, had life coaching sessions, gratitude circles and was known by the local community here. I life coached at a Young People’s Centre in Brighton – a centre for vulnerable teens, and held weekend and day retreats from a retreat centre along the coast. Before this starts to sound like a CV, I’m including the various parts to my business, as this was what I gave up when my childless grief hit.
I was doing purposeful work, enjoying it and I also knew that things would calm a bit when I had a child. I wanted to be more of a stay at home mum with a small part-time business. My own mother was heavily into her career and business, and I didn’t have that kind of nurturing childhood. I knew what I missed out on while my mum worked, and I wanted to have a different kind of childhood for my children. Living by the sea and being able to take advantage of that with little ones was going to be a gift.
Through my work in the childless community, I know that a lot of you have also given up on various aspects of your life. Careers which no longer give you joy and meaning; relationships and marriages which ended after the long process of trying to start a family; friendships which have broken away and not come with you into this new stage of life.
Childlessness changes us.
In ways which we can never envisage as we start the journey. We are not the same person as when we started, and yet, there are parts of us which are yearning to come back again. Parts which were good before we lost them in the pursuit of motherhood, and the childless grief.
A few years on from my initial grief, it has become easier for me to see this clarity of my life journey.
I think about that person before she knew she would be childless. I reflect on what brought me joy, what I felt was my purpose and calling in this life. As I do this reflection, I reconnect to the parts of myself which I had lost. I think back to my meditation and life-coaching business, and how much light and energy that brought me. I’ve changed my business in the last few years; it now holds space for my own childlessness, and also for the layered grief of childlessness for other women. The space is for all of us to come together, to meditate, to write and yes, to heal.
I also allow myself to grieve for the parts which will not come back. Lost years which I will never gain back; friendships which no longer nurture me as they used to; better health.
Reconnecting to aspects of my past, allows me to connect even deeper into who I am NOW.
Childlessness transforms us.
We often talk about how childlessness is like self-development in the meditation classes. Our childlessness journey impacts us in all areas of life, and we start living a new, different life.
When we go through major challenges in life, we change. We are not the same as we were prior to the difficult experience. Childlessness, like other major life experiences, transforms. Your outlook can change, your purpose can change, the way you think about your future changes.
It is all change. And as with other change in life, there can be a resistance to this. But once you are through your initial stage of grief, if you can bring in a gentle welcoming in of this change, you can move into the next stage of your life. We all have so much life to live, and it is important for our well-being and happiness, that we live life as well as we can.
One of the biggest things which helped me during the initial stage of childless grief, and allows me to connect to myself now is noticing (and appreciating) the small joys of life. Those moments in the day which can be easily overlooked, ignored or passed by. When I go for a walk, I notice the different flowers, trees and plants along the way. Noticing the seasons change, and realising that there is huge release when we live with the flow of life. The leaves fall in autumn and it is ok, there is growth again in the spring and summer.
My daily walk is a huge part of my small joy, but there are also joys I notice at home. My afternoon cup of tea – to relax, and also to greet a different part of the day. When I gave up my in-person meditation classes and business, moving through the day became difficult with no signals to which part of the day it was. My day was like a huge time of nothingness. Those simple moments of afternoon tea, became a ritual and highlight; breaking up the day for me and giving me a little routine.
Living in these small joys is mindful living or living in the present moment. It is focusing on the now, which is always a good thing to do in times of challenge.
Connecting with who I am now brings in the realisation of how far I have come. There have been huge moments of adversity within my childless journey, but also with other difficulties in life. I know it may be similar with you. Sometimes childlessness brings in a feeling of ‘another thing’ to deal with on top of everything else. In these instances, I bring in Gentleness. That feeling of being extra kind to myself. Life has been harsh and I no longer want that harshness for myself, so instead I bring in gentleness. Try it and see how moving through life a little softer helps you.
Writing was a huge help during the initial stage of childless grief. I wrote for my healing; allowing the words to come onto the page as they needed to. Some of these words then became poetry – a light amidst the dark. I submitted some of this writing to World Childless Week, and received another healing layer of sharing my words.
Childlessness connects us.
Connection with others has also helped me to connect with who I am now. Connecting online with other childless not by choice people, and also in-person. I go to a monthly meet-up of childless women, and went to the amazing Storyhouse event last year.
Being in a space with so many others who share aspects of your journey is powerful, and gives you the feeling that you are ‘not the only one’. If you’re not ready to meet in-person yet, or live somewhere where it is difficult to meet others, then the childless community is full of online opportunities. The beauty of technology.
What about you, dearest reader? What parts of who you were prior to your realisation of childlessness are you reconnecting with?
What about who you are now? Are you fully connected to yourself as you move through life’s adversities, and as you gently heal?
Connect with the childless community; allow yourself to grieve, and to heal. Move forward into this different stage of life and live as fully as you can, with plenty of gentleness of course.
We are all behind you, encouraging you along.
