Carol Frye
Ten Things I Didn’t Know About Me
I was 19 when I was diagnosed with severe PCOS, or permanent infertility. The diagnosis was painful because my family and church worshipped fertility. I wish the 42-year-old I am now could talk to the 19-year-old I was, because if I could, I would tell her all of the following:
First, infertility grief is real, valid, and it is perfectly okay to cycle through all the stages many times. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are all part of it.
Second, family, friends, and most doctors will not understand you or your experience. They will in general offer unhelpful advice about how to cope with something they never faced.
Third, fertility clinics and adoption agencies provide no refunds for failed fertility treatment cycles or failed adoption attempts, and the odds are terrible: 7 out of 10 couples exit these attempts without a child.
Fourth, you can and will choose and achieve personal goals that are within your capability.
Fifth, your life can be really good if you choose to embrace all the possibilities.
Sixth, go find other childless and childfree people, they understand when nobody else can.
Seventh, find that thing that brings you happiness and utilizes your strengths and makes the world better. That’s your purpose, darling.
Eighth, your worth was never about whether you can reproduce. Your worth is about how you make the world a better place just by being in it. That beautiful heart you have, so willing to serve others, most people don’t have that.
Ninth, you are solely responsible for your own happiness. If you are not happy in a relationship, job, or living situation, work hard to make whatever changes are necessary so that you live your best life. Go on vacation, take the cruise, buy the shoes, eat the cake, do that thing everyone said was impossible.
Tenth, maintain an attitude of gratitude list. Name 10 things you are thankful for every day. No borrowing from yesterday’s list, and items can be serious or silly like my list, as follows:
I’m grateful I can see.
I’m grateful for my life.
I’m grateful for my husband’s job.
I’m grateful for the dignity of getting to the restroom on time.
I’m grateful for the Childless Path group and Stephanie who runs it.
I’m grateful for my gift of writing and my pen pals.
I’m grateful for hot fudge sundaes.
I’m grateful for having both joy and sorrow.
I’m grateful for every goal I achieved.
I’m grateful that each year gets better.
Oh, yeah, bonus is, I’m glad I was born in the era when there’s such a thing as triple chocolate cake.
