Emma Manser

Intro: Going through the IVF process with a chronic illness

Up against a firing squad
Of questions, questions, questions!!
Vetted,
Judged,
Weak,
A failure.

My life became yours,
Proving myself to a stranger,
Where others are free, to be whoever they want to be.
Every little intricacy,
The ins and outs and back in again.

"Can we look after a child?"
"Proof of your parenting capabilities"
"Will my health get worse?"
"Or will it get better?"
"Genetic counselling?"
"More problems than most"
"Specialist treatment, interventions"
"Need to gain weight"
"Letters from specialists, evidence, proof"

Verbally Violating,
Unsympathetic,
Degrading,
Able-ist,
Insulting,
Intense,
Intrusive,
Damaging,
Doubting,
Draining,
Dismissive,
Misunderstood.

Testing me, testing my life, seeing if it adds up, if I add up, if we add up.
Verbal violation is ok in 'this' world.
Guilty until proven innocent.
Proving what my life is.
So very unfair.

When it didn't work,
Perhaps you were right all along,
Perhaps "it’s for the best"
"You couldn't look after a child anyway"
"Everything happens for a reason"
"It wasn't meant to be"
Is that your idea of compensation? Ha!
Or just another kick in the teeth.
Nobody lived it except me, except us.
Only we know what it felt like.
It’s our truth.
You went back to your everyday life,
Unscathed.

But who was I? Who were we? What was left of us?
We were lost, so very lost.