Bindi Shah
It takes courage to get up,
And everyday I do.
My first act – the tablet
on an empty stomach.
From here, I move.
Stretching, exercise.
Looking after this body.
A puff.
A spray.
Still more signs that the body,
- my body,
is not performing as I wish.
My ‘for health’ salad breakfast,
because other blood markers had increased 2 years ago.
It worked.
I am no longer in the ‘zone’
A glimmer of light in an unfair health story.
I’m not the only one.
I think of my dear friend
who would also show her physical body
care and attention,
...as it continued to fail
...as the health issues progressed.
The cruel world of chronic health issues
when your physical does not meet your mental state.
I want to do more, I have ideas.
More ways to bring healing out in the world.
...and I do.
I appreciate that.
...but at a slower pace than my mind would like.
The physical body not aligned with the emotional want.
This dis-alignment causing me to doubt.
My body not completely relaxing…
What is round the corner?
Not wanting to be like that, to think like that.
But then another thing comes in.
This time a spin,
The room moves, I move.
And then I cannot.
I have to be careful with each movement my head makes.
I sleep slightly propped up – I still do, months later.
I was never a sickly child.
I don’t remember having days off.
But, as an adult, this body is showing me its limits.
Years of adenomyosis took a toll on me.
Physically… and emotionally.
It is one of my reasons for my childlessness.
But there are others…
However, chronic health is very much apparent
in me living my life as a childless woman.
I want to do more, I have ideas.
I wake up to another thing.
And sit with an ice pack all day.
The hours moving, I had hopes of something else this day.
But my body says no.
And I have no choice but to listen.
Fighting the rest brings its own problems.
One day out now will be better than the 5 later.
...although the 5 could still come.
Of course.
That is the ugly reality of chronic health issues.
And so, as I live this life as a childless woman.
I remind myself of my courage.
Of my bravery, of my light.
Of my confidence to be me.
I do things at my own pace,
the only pace my body is capable of.
And I continue to show it love and care.
It’s the only body I have.
