Making the choice to begin to accept being childless not by choice is no easy task, but it IS within our power to make that choice.
I read the book Choice Theory by William Glasser many years ago, and it taught me that I can choose how I think and act in any given situation. We cannot control what happens to us, but we can control our response to it. This is a hard thing to learn and understand when the agony of being childless not by choice is thrust upon you like an unending tsunami of water.
In my experience, I had the choice to let those waves of water to continue to crash upon me, and I felt like I was drowning in mourning the loss of motherhood. It was the right choice in that time. I had to go through that, I had to feel it, and I had to sit in it for a while. It seemed as though I was in that space for a long time. The time did come when I no longer felt that I needed to stay there, it had served its purpose, and I knew that I needed to choose the next step. That’s when I searched out and reached out to online communities of women and men who were also childless not by choice. I was ready to extend my hand in the hope that someone would reach back and tell me that they understood.
That was just a little over 2 years ago, a few short months prior to the first annual World Childless Week in 2017. It was then that I made the choice to take a seat in the circle of our CNBC community and connect, participate, and learn from the ones who understood me the most. It was then that I began to connect with the most loving and caring people who, like me, wished to have a child but was unable to. I felt heard and understood. I felt free to be me. It gave me a voice and a place for expression. It was comfortable.
It’s been just over two years since I began to take a step toward accepting my childless not by choice life, and it happened because I made that choice. I cannot control what happened to me, but I can control my response to it. I, alone, have the choice to allow being childless not by choice to keep me in the pit of despair, or to find a way to crawl out of that pit. I still hurt from time to time, I’m still triggered from time to time, I still mourn the children I dreamed of, and I still struggle with holidays, celebrations, and milestones. I am human. I allow myself to feel when I need to. I have that choice. I also allow myself to shake off the tears, take a deep breath, and continue to use my voice to share my story, and to help break the stigma of infertility and childlessness.
By having the choice in my response to being childless, I am choosing the life I’m going to live. It doesn’t mean that I forget the children that will forever remain in my dreams, but it does mean that I honour myself and my lived experience. I can find happiness while I carry the dream of my children with me, and letting go of the pain does not mean that I forget them. Being childless not by choice is just another added layer in who and what I am, and even if it is difficult for me to say…that’s a beautiful thing.
For those of you still struggling, I see you, I hear you, and your experience is validated. You do have the choice in your reaction to being childless not by choice. Perhaps mourning and feeling is still the right place for you right now. Allow yourself to feel as much as you need. When the time is right to take that first step, reach out. Many of us are here to lend a hand.
Robyn Jamieson-Voss