Deep in the midst of my childless not by choice grief, I read a quote which simultaneously made me feel heard and seen and also so, so sad. It was a quote by the charity Fertility Network UK about a survey they had conducted two years previously in 2016. They had found from a survey that over 40% of women experiencing infertility had suicidal thoughts.
The quote made me gasp; I reread it several times, taking in the enormity of that number – 40%. How would I survive, given those stats? I thought. These words would later become part of a poem I would go on to self-publish in a book of poetry.
I was recently reminded of the poem and reread it. The last stanza took me aback:
So that I become
me again
before all this.
A tear of joy, my heart beating, oh my goodness this is me NOW. I am me ‘before all this’; before the hurt, the pain, the grief, the anger. In fact, I realise, I am better than ‘before all this’. I have learned so much in my childlessness grief, I have grown so much in my life experience, I am a different person – and yes, in a way, I am better.
I also see glimpses of my previous life: I am teaching meditation more, I am having life coaching sessions, I am writing more again. But again these are better with my growth, the hurt and pain has helped me move forward in ways which I wouldn’t have thought possible.
Friends, let’s start at the beginning of the poem written in 2018:
40% of women
who experience infertility
have suicidal thoughts.
How can I be sure
That I will survive
Given those stats?
How can I build myself up
Strengthen myself
To live
Everyday
Every morning
Every night
I already had a meditation practice and had been teaching others since 2003. My meditation and grounding practice was the first thing I went to. Even on days when the grief was so huge and I couldn’t focus on a meditation, I would do my deep breathing and allow my roots to move into the ground. This grounding for me was key. It brought me back to the present moment and allowed me to flow with the moments of my current day. There was no need to focus on the future, I needed to be here now.
So that I become
someone with joy
and not merely a number.
I started to go on longer walks and take more photos as I went on, what I soon termed, my soul-walk. I would observe nature around me and let myself be in that moment of time. These moments in nature brought me a little daily joy.
So that I become
a survivor
a warrior
There are 40% of women experiencing infertility who have these suicidal thoughts. I wanted to make sure that I could move on from that sadness, that deep grief, that feeling of hopelessness and not wanting to go on with life. The ability to be able to survive in a pro-natalist world and one which does not see (or value) childless not by choice women, a hidden woman in plain sight. Since I wrote these words I can see my movement forward. Last year my health condition of adenomyosis flared up and resulted in a hysterectomy. I clearly see how I became a warrior at that moment, battling the condition which had debilitated my life for over six years and then freeing myself with the hysterectomy and the resultant energy I feel.
So that I become
someone with purpose
and not simply existing.
Purpose is the most important thing I have gained this year, 2020, a significant year for the world. Purpose can be simple; it can be the book you are going to read, the phone call you will make, the person you will see. It is a reason for the day, a way your day can be planned. Purpose has helped me find some meaning in my ‘new life’, a life without children and also a life without adenomyosis and all the pain that gave me. I centre my days around work and play. Making sure that amidst client calls, video recording and writing I have plenty of self-care and rest. I have found a good way to be and to live with purpose.
Yes there are still glimpses of that childless grief and I know that I will most possibly always have that, but moving on from that constant grief and not letting it take over my life and day is huge. It gives me so much hope for my future. Two years ago when I was in the midst of it, I couldn’t see how I would come through this grief. It seemed like a dark abyss that I would be living in for my entire life. I saw no future, no hope. There was no laughter, no joy.
So that I become
me again
before all this.
I have moments of joy now, often whole days and weeks. I have laughter. I meet friends and have meaningful conversations, both online and socially distanced in person. Yes we live in a different world now in 2020. I also live in a different world as a childless woman and am now embracing this and finding my moments of joy.
Friends, if you are in the midst of that immensely sad time, know that you will come through. There is no knowing when or how, but one day you will feel different. AND there is a whole community of childless not by choice women and men out there to help you. Reach out.
I write my poetry under my pen name Grace Sumeria