The hysterectomy was definitely a massive full stop in my life
.
It changed everything
.
The way I thought about the future, and all dreams and plans just ran through
my fingers
like sand;
slipping away
to nothing,
at
my
feet
.
I had some very dark days.
I have found it hard to find purpose.
But I am pushing myself to keep going and find new direction
I hadn't even begun to think about the fact that I escaped pre-cancerous cells for a second time...
All my brain could fixate on, was having no womb, no children of my own, no future.
My thoughts became a never ending list with comma after comma of "what if's" and "now I can'ts".
When the realisation caught up with me that it had been serious,
Serious enough to have to go in for my surgery
a week to the day I sat down
with the surgeon and had "the conversation",
I felt numb.
In disbelief...
It was like someone else's life.
Like I was watching on tv.
Like a bad dream that I would wake up from and be sweating, and thrashing in my bed, safe and sound, feeling full, feeling feminine, feeling whole,
Instead I felt EMPTY.
I am gradually finding my way back to myself though;
I've done a lot of inward thinking.
Self care has definitely become my priority in life, as I by nature have always cared more for everyone else before myself.
Its been tough, but I am finding myself and remoulding my identity and thoughts each and every day...
I will beat this full stop.
I will turn it into a semi colon;
and one day look back on these
difficult times
With strength
AS THEY MADE ME WHO I AM
What happened to me has NOT defined me.
It has helped me find my identity,
and helped me discover the true me.
The me who matters; the me who can shape my future.
I want to help others to find THEIR true "me".
Life is not easy; but we have to make the most of it;
So for now...
Goodbye full stop
I'm not ready for you yet...
I've got so much more to come;
Hazel