Unlovable. Undatable. Ugly. Spinster. Sexless.
These words will live on in my head.
Broken. Other. Childless. Disabled. Dependent. Hideous.
After 3 short lived relationships: some were fun, some not so much, and dealing with my disability (that brings about chronic pain among other secondary issues) I have given up on princes’ white knights and saviors. It’s embedded in my family that a man can save you and for some of my family that has worked. Kudos to them. For me, this narrative just won’t happen. I’m a single woman, past 40, not able to ever live independently.
Today, I try not to use those hurtful words. It is not the life I dreamed of having; two kids, and a minivan evaporated a decade ago. My reality is even if I deeply desired it, I can’t go out alone; public transportation is scarce in rural areas. Intimacy is something I’m trying to find naturally through friends and self-care. Letting go involves acceptance of a life of solitude and embracing that I’m not meant for that life. I want to be absolutely certain of what aging will bring. Though nothing in life is ever certain for anybody. Childless not by choice or not. There isn’t much use in too much rumination. Life is short. I’m worthy of a good man to love. I hope he finds me. If he doesn’t, I’ll let go, it’ll take a while, I’m single sassy and ready to reset my life. Letting go of an old script and living life as best I can, one day at a time. Living my best Childless life.
There isn’t one universal formula for moving forward. I’ve joined some Facebook support groups, i.e. Childless Path to Acceptance (no TTC) and Childless Perks!! I love sleeping late and going to bed whenever I please, etc. Many of those friendships will be lifelong. I’ve read the books by most of the World Childless Week Ambassadors, and I’ve spent time with blogs, podcasts and listened to webinars. All has helped me to heal in the last five years.
My plan B so to speak is not huge: I dream of traveling more, attending concerts, public speaking, volunteering, exploring my spirituality, visiting friends when I am able to do so and perhaps going back to University to earn my graduate degree.
I’d love to say that everyday I’m happy and always on the go, but it would be the farthest thing from the truth. It is a day-to-day process. However, I’m ready for the next chapter. The best days have yet to happen. I am worthy.
Predicting the future is a natural thing to do. However, I think, letting life unfold the way it is meant to do for me. I have plans, goals and dreams. The key is to go with the flow. The best laid plans may never work, it is better to see what the universe has in store and be able to adapt to it. As the say keep calm and carry on. Wish me luck at letting go. There is a different life, not better or worse waiting for me.
Vicky Page