Jolene

We were told we could have it all. We did everything right. We got our education, we started our careers, we fell in love and we were secure. We wanted more. We wanted to create something that would combine the best of us.

Dear Lily,

You were so wanted. We dreamed of you for years. You were going to be so beautiful, confident, clever, and smart. In my mind you would have had your father’s curls and slim build. My intelligence and his confidence. Neither of us had height for you to inherit.

Dear Paige,

I am so conflicted when I think of you. Either you or Lily would not have existed. You were conceived 2 months after we lost Lily. Impossibly close to Lily, but you both existed in me. I did not want to lose you either. But I did. If I could have had both of you, I would have loved it.

Lily would have been a daddy’s girl, but you are my fairy girl. The alternative, free spirited one. In my mind you would have had my straight hair and curves, but your father’s wit and quickness with words.

Neither of you exist in real life though and that breaks me.

Dear Ben,

We had stopped trying. Our mental health was horrible. We did not expect to conceive again. Terrified I would lose you, and I did. A big part of me still feels like it was my fault. I was broken before by the loss of your sisters, but losing you sent me to my lowest.

In my mind you are the stereotypical, youngest and spoiled sibling. Blindingly clever and able to twist people around your chubby little fingers with all the best parts of us combined.

I can never really know any of you my Lily, Paige and Ben. I will never find out if what I imagined and hoped for would have been true. All I have is my imagination and lost hopes.