Sharyn County
During my unsuccessful journey to have children, people said and did things that hurt, but I had to remember that they cannot understand what or how it affected me. I needed to stop and think before reacting to anything anyone said.
I used to say to myself:
What is going on in their life at the moment?
Do they realise what they have said?
How can I give them feedback on what they said calmly and unemotionally?
How can I help them understand from my perspective?
One thing you regularly get asked as a newly married couple is, “Are you pregnant yet?”. This question is always a hard one to answer and one that I don’t think people should ask so directly. There were a couple of ways I dealt with this situation. Sometimes, I would laugh it off and change the subject, depending on who was asking. Other times, I would share that we are trying but having challenges and going through IVF. Most people, myself included, assumed that IVF would just work and that you would be a mum soon, especially back in 2004. However, as I became more educated through the process, I tried to help others understand the reality of it.
The other questions that constantly come my way are when people ask you directly if you are a mother or how many kids you have. I often reply to these questions with “none” or “I am not a mother,” but I often feel compelled to justify this by adding, “but not by choice.” I am not sure why I need to explain myself or why I even need to justify it. Maybe it's because I don’t want others to judge me or think I am selfish (not that I think those who don’t have kids are) or that I put my career first. It's madness and something we put on ourselves. We need to stop putting this pressure on ourselves and stop assuming what others think.
The process of trying to become a parent is not selfish; it'sincredibly challenging, heartbreaking, and all-consuming. I still feel like some people judge you when you say you are not a mum or don’t think you can be included in activities or discussions that they may want to have. Whatever it is for you, please don’t feel guilty or feel you need to justify it for others.
I know through my journey that everyone meant well, and no one went out of their way to make me feel bad or do or say anything maliciously, but in the process of heightened emotions, you can take innocent comments the wrong way.
Given my experiences, I am now mindful of the questions I ask others about their lives, and while I don’t always get it right, I reframe the questions. So instead of saying, “Do you have kids?” I ask the following questions.
So, who do you spend your time with?
Or
How do you spend your time?
These questions are more open and do not assume anything. They do not assume you are in a relationship, they do not assume you have kids, and they could be responded to in many ways—depending on how the person responding feels. For me, my answer to this would be my husband, my dog, my family, and my friends.
You could be childless for many reasons that are not by choice, including not meeting the right person to become a parent and missing the opportunity to even try. I am lucky to have my husband and to have been able to try.
