Stacie Smith
Somewhere along the way, society deemed it appropriate to start asking total strangers if they had kids. I get it, it’s a way to get to know someone, but do I really need to tell a total stranger about my heartbreak of NOT having kids?
Their responses to my answer have never been helpful. I want to scream, “Stop asking if we have kids! It’s not an appropriate question!”
But is it? I mean I guess in general conversation as you get to know a new friend, or reconnect with an old, the subject of if you are a parent or not would come up. I’ve even found myself asking it to others a time or two.
Maybe it’s not so much the question, but the responses we get back.
Do you have kids?
No, not yet.
That was always my answer early on. I was young and still had hope that I would have children.
Oh, don’t worry! You have plenty of time! Oh, you will. You are young and have time! Enjoy it while you can. Those were the answers that came at that time.
As I got older and hope began to fade, I simply answered No.
Do you have kids?
No.
That’s ok, lots of people choose to have a career over kids.
This response to my flat no took me aback. I wanted yell, scream, whatever I could to get the point across that this was not my choice. I just smiled and nodded. As if I would choose this job over being a mother. I don’t have a career. I have a job. It pays the bills and enables me to survive. I would never choose this over having a child. Why would anyone!? I seethed at this response. I can’t stand the assumption they make when my reply is no.
Do you have kids?
No.
Oh, lots of people now days choose not to have kids. I wouldn’t have them this day and age if I had it to do over.
The blows kept coming with their responses. Why do they need to offer commentary? Why do they judge me for not being a mother? It isn’t a choice! Not everyone chooses not to have kids!
I began to get flustered and angry with their responses so I decided to be a bit more blunt with my answer.
Do you have kids?
No, I’ve never been able to have children.
Sometimes this will shut them up. Sometimes they say they are sorry and move on. Other times though, I get the dreaded, well you should just adopt!
Do you have kids?
No, I’m not able to.
Oh, well you can adopt. Why don’t you adopt? Have you considered adoption? If you really wanted kids, you would adopt. There are plenty of children that need homes, why don’t you adopt one?
The adoption responses are worse than their assumptions that I didn’t want kids. As if someone in my situation has not considered adoption. And there is no justin adopting. It’s not as easy, or affordable, as people think.
I grow frustrated.
Do you have kids?
No, I’m not able.
Well, why don’t you adopt?
Adoption isn’t right for everyone.
Have you tried IVF? You can do IVF.
Couldn’t afford it.
And the responses go on and on.
What is it about strangers who think they can save us or give us a new idea we, the childless not by choice, have never thought of? As if they can present us with an idea or solution to our childless not by choice life. Trust me, I’ve considered them all. Trust me, this is not by choice. Trust me, there is nothing you can say that will change my situation.
Why do you a stranger even have to ask this question? Is it your business as to why I don’t have kids? Not really. Do I owe you an explanation as to why I don’t have kids? No, I do not.
Better yet, why do I take such offense to the question? They don’t know my heartbreak. Sometimes I wish they knew. Other times, I just wish they wouldn’t ask.
And so, it continues on.
Do you have kids?
No, I’m not able to have children.
Brace for the impact of their response. Smile and be polite.
