EMP

At 22

Life is amazing. What career path will I take? Where will I live? What will my contributions to the world be? My friends are the best. Who will I pair up with/marry? My recultivated faith in Jesus and learning about him is my top priority, as well as serving others. I am rich in the currency of good health (for the time being).

At 26

Why is everyone pairing off? Who am I? We are so young! Neverending invitations to weddings, wedding showers and baby showers. My romantic life: the timing is always off. I like him, but he’s into someone else. Other guys like me, yet there is no real connection or spark. What will I do with all these bridesmaids dresses?

At 28

In a church singles ministry, the only singles left are single mothers and me. Is something wrong with me? Some of these single moms have been married once. I thought I was a “catch”? Well, I’ll dig in and pursue a graduate degree and maybe future work opportunities will bring me fulfillment. I think I located "the one”. Oh, God, why is he so broken and mysterious? Thank you that he was NOT “the one” [in time]. What?! I am an aunt! So thrilled.

At 39

Married a year. Ups and downs. New family members and family members pass on. Baby shower invites continue to multiply. The pain ensues when I attend. I drop out of the social hamster wheel. Where was the excitement from mothers when I graduated with my first master's degree? And then graduated with my second master’s degree?

Sitting in the gynecologist office pondering what she just told me after we discussed my inquisitiveness on the likelihood of getting pregnant a year or two after my spouse and I stopped using contraception.

My interpretation of her words: “We would need to send you guys for testing ...your spouse needs a sperm count and test on how well they are moving ...we need to pump your uterus with dye to make sure that it and related structures are working well. If you do not want to have a pregnancy, there is no need to do such testing.”

That’s when it hit me. I have never wanted to be pregnant. It is okay to not want to have a pregnancy. It’s complicated. It’s okay to grieve what we think we wanted or perhaps distantly wanted but it did not surface due to a variety of factors out of our control.

At 50

I am grateful that my spouse was indifferent to having children. I am grateful for his companionship and support. Being childfree afforded me the time, heart, and mental bandwidth to invest in myself and in others. Alas, I have a plethora of physicians and medications/supplements in my cabinet that I never expected, as well as a PhD.

I feel for my parents. Grandchildren ought not be expected, but if they are in existence, and under typical circumstances, they ought to have genuine and reciprocal relationships with their grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My parents perpetually grieve the loss of their living grandchildren and know not to prod me about not having grandchildren for them to cherish, yet I empathize with them. In the sibling lineup, I am the oldest. One sibling passed away and left a hurt ex-wife and young daughters who are now old enough to initiate contact with our side of the family, but those ties to our family have dried up somehow, not due to any lack of effort on my family’s part. The other sibling has bipolar disorder, and his life has downshifted in the past few years. He left children with his ex in another state. They are understandably estranged from our family due to my sibling’s choices. To alleviate the ache, my mom and stepdad pour into other children at their church and through teaching English to other children.

And now when I think about “Have you got kids?”

Will I give a humorous remark? A snarky one? Will I bust out a nugget of wisdom in response to such a dumb question?

I am a high school counselor, licensed therapist, and a former educator of students with disabilities. I have stood in as a parent as others could not say the same thing for countless numbers of students. I have assisted students who are houseless, unaccompanied, and those coded as being in foster care. I advocate for underserved students and my passion is especially for advocating for students with disabilities.

What pains me the most is the way the childless/childless by choice/childfree, or even those who lost a child are unintentionally and now intentionally discriminated against. In the U.S., it feels like we are living on a vile planet in a science fiction movie. It is NO ONE’s business but the woman if she opts to have a child or not. For women to be viewed as “carriers” for children and possess no other value is an affront to the dignity of women and despicable to the God I pray to. I hate christian nationalism and white christian nationalism ideologies.

My new-found joy is meeting others, especially young couples or singles who feel seen and heard when I share my story of thriving and being grateful for a childless life. I feel as if I am paying it forward when I see the relief on their faces and see that they feel understood.

I find myself several times a week thanking God that I do not have children. And I thank Gateway Women and Jody for building a community of likeminded women who are finding unique ways to mother others, use our unique gifts, and learn ways to heal our own wounds as we keep moving forward.