Emma Manser
These are all real comments, questions, statements that have been said to me directly or I’ve overheard indirectly....
❓'Have you got kids?' they said❓
💭...If only they knew...how much that question hurts, how loaded it is, how to even know where to begin to answer it. A simple 'no', doesn't seem enough. Is 'yes’a lie, despite IVF embryo losses, do they count? It's easier just to say 'no', but that just doesn't feel right either, there is a very long painful story underneath that question.... how about asking me something else instead🤷🏼
️⁉️ ‘I'm busy with the kids right now, I'll get back to you on that' they said⁉️
💭...If only they knew... how much I needed their friendship at this time, but they never did get back to me 😭
️⁉️ ‘You're so lucky, all that spare time and money you must have’ they said⁉️
💭...If only they knew...how much I wanted to fill all my ‘spare time’ with all the things that you do with your kids. Is it spare time? Or is it a void? I guess that depends on perspective and what you consider to be ‘lucky’.I’d say it’s actually lucky for you that you were able to have children naturally without years of trying to conceive, financial implications of IVF and trying to fill all my ‘spare’ time with meaningful activities 🤷🏼
⁉️'(insert child’s name) is doing so well at girls’ football and (insert other child’s name) is progressing with his artwork and is going to be the next Picasso!!' they said ⁉️
💭...If only they knew… how much it hurt that they don't ask me how I am doing, after I listen with interest and compassion regarding their children’s achievements. I really do love hearing about your children’s achievements (honestly, I do!), but please remember it’s a 2-way street and a conversation works both ways, don’t forget I’m a person too 🤷
❗'Get down. I've only just f**king cleaned all that' they yelled (overheard from the open window of my house from my neighbours with kids, a few houses down❗
💭...If only they knew… how much it hurts to hear a parent swear directly at their kids. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for discipline and even raised voices have a time and a place and love a good swear sometimes too, but hearing a parent directly swear at their kids makes me feel so sad 😭
❗'Stop the bleeding' they said❗
💭...If only they knew.... how traumatising hearing this was, as I woke up momentarily during egg collection, only to have the anaesthetist quickly put the mask back over my mouth and nose, and lose consciousness again, with no explanation. I came round and burst into tears, not knowing what had happened, with no explanation offered. I had to dig for answers that were not readily offered, and those words still haunt me to this day 😭
❓'Have you thought about adoption?' they said❓
💭...If only they knew.... howMUCH we had thought about adoption, over weeks, months, years, dipping into and out of it, researching, considering, listening, talking...until one day we had to make a decision whether it was a real option for us or not....to stop ourselves going crazy....so yes, we thought about it.... A LOT😢
⁉️'At least you can have expensive holidays' they said⁉️
💭...If only they knew.... how much we wanted those holidays to be with our children, we were prepared to do the family staycations, and we would have given up luxury trips in a heartbeat if it meant us having children. Of course we would. A luxury holiday doesn't make up for the loss of not being able to have children. Although that choice has now been taken away too, due to ill health and being housebound for 3yrs, so literally every holiday is now a staycation🤷🏼
❓'Well Christmas is all about the kids really, isn't it?' they said (knowing our CNBC circumstances)❓
💭...If only they knew.... how much this comment hurts, yes, it is, it’s all about the kids and we don’t have any and it is shoved in our faces from September to December and there is no escaping it. Thanks for your kindness and compassion in mitigating our circumstances and your sensitivity with our situation and validating us as human beings.... not...!😭😤
⁉️'It’s good you didn't have kids, you're too ill to look after them now' they said⁉️
💭...If only they knew… how much this judgemental criticism hurts and quite frankly how is it anyone else’s business anyway. People who conceive naturally are not judged in this way🤷🏼
⁉️'I'm sure it will happen for you' they said ⁉️ (after I’d just explained truthfully and from the heart why we don’t have children and what we had been through).
💭...If only they knew…how dismissing this comment is. It truly negates the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual toll that years of trying to conceive, and IVF takes on you and just shows how much people do not listen and are unaware of what these processes are. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say this!! This hurts😭😡
⁉️'You don't get to be ill if you have kids' they said⁉️
💭...If only they knew… that my illness isn’t a choice I made instead of having kids. Oh, I can’t have kids, so I’m going to be chronically ill instead. It’s never a choice, I am just unlucky and if I did have kids, my illness wouldn’t magically disappear into the ether, the clue is in the word ‘chronic’😡
❓'Have you got kids?' they said❓
💭...REALLY...AGAIN...If only they knew....🤷🏼😡😭😤
