Lindsay

It’s the question we all dread and quite rightly so. It can make us feel inferior, judged, ashamed, scared etc. I felt all of these feelings once. But what if it didn’t have to make us feel that way?

Did you know as humans we are all trying to make connections. Connections to be seen, heard, liked, included, loved, accepted etc. We are all wired to connect. The easiest and most common thing is to start a conversation with what you know or what you are interested in. For instance, if you have just joined a tennis club and are fully immersed in it, then you will instinctively try and find others who are also interested so you can strike up a conversation. You see it with football, TV show, cosplay fans etc

This doesn’t negate our feelings, but it might help to understand why. Why, they ask this question. Why, it’s the first question they ask.

It may be why we seek out other CNBC people so we can share our experiences in a non judgmental way. Why we seek out World Childless Week. To be with people that understand. To be with people who just get it. To find our tribe.

Imagine your own world. What is in it, what do you like to do, what are your hobbies. Imagine how you start conversations. What is your go to question after the “how are you?”.

Now imagine the last person that asked you “have you got kids?”. What does their world look like, feel like? What’s in their world etc. Logically we know that their world might look perfect but we know that that isn’t always the case.

What emotion(s) does that bring up for you? If it brings up an emotion, just observe it, name it. What is it trying to tell you? Is there a need that hasn’t been met? Does anything need to change? What’s one small thing that you change that is in your control? Maybe there isn’t and that’s ok. It’s good just to observe and understand why something might come up for you. If it’s overwhelming then you may need a therapist for some gentle guidance.

Maybe it's a need to be seen, accepted, loved. Maybe it’s something else.

I, for one, haven't been asked this question much. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. When I have been asked in the past, it has been upsetting. The thoughts I had were “why did they ask me”, “surely they know my situation”, “why are they so thoughtless and/or cruel”, “Why can’t they be kind”, “how dare they”, “they should know better”, “they know I’m in a horrendous situation and they still asked!”.

The worst moment was a few years ago when my dad, whom I’m no longer close to, said “well it’s your choice, your life” when I finally plucked up the courage to say we couldn’t have children. I was devastated. I just disclosed my medical issues and he still said it was my choice?! He shut the conversation down and then started to talk about himself again. I knew at that moment that there was no point trying to persuade him to see things from my perspective. He wasn’t my person. He wasn’t supportive. He had his own struggles.

I learnt from that situation. When I do get asked “that question”, I now understand that it’s to seek a connection and is not a judgment. So I politely say “no I don’t” or “I haven’t been fortunate enough to have children” and then change the conversation quickly and gently to something else like “have you seen…”or “do you know what my puppy did the other day?” which usually works and we create a connection that way. This helps me feel much more comfortable and less angry. Especially as puppies are my favourite things to talk about!

Personally, the worst thing for me is people not asking the question. The assumption I chose not to have children. Not having the chance to explain it wasn’t a choice. Not being able to share my story. Not being seen. Someone that is not worthy of even asking the question in the first place. That’s the worst for me. The assumption that it was a choice. The dismissal of everything I went through.

But then, if I reframe it and turn it around, I don’t know the struggles that everyone else has had. What they might want to say but haven’t had the chance to. We are all in the same boat but maybe in different sections.

The best thing I learnt from my experiences is to read people. Identify if someone is kind, gentle, and has the capacity to understand my situation. If they don’t, I can’t change that but I do have the power and choice to move on. Seek out others who can hold space for me whilst holding space for themselves.

I’m not dismissing the hurt that question causes, but just understanding where it comes from helps so much with the why. If you keep changing the subject in a gentle way then over time the people that asked you won’t ask but will talk to you about different things. Well if they are your people that is. If they aren’t then that’s ok.

Sometimes we have friends for life, for a few years or just at the moment we need them and then they move on.

I love this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. If we learn to control what we give away, whether it be words, emotions or energy, then this is our superpower. We cannot change other people and we cannot make them stop asking the question or trying to make connections. We can only choose how we respond.