Helen Gallagher
World Childless Week Ambassador
I am childless not by choice in fact I am childless by circumstance and I am in a relationship with my partner who has 3 adult children and 2 grandchildren.
6 years ago I separated from my husband who I had been trying for children with for 17 years and we walked away from IVF as our relationship was just not where it needed to be and we both felt it was not right to further pursue a family within a dysfunctional marriage. This separation was one of the hardest times of my life as it did not just include separation but also so much loss around not being a mum and also moving 100 miles away from all my friends and family to continue in a career I so desperately needed to pay off considerable debt.
I got together with my partner 5 years ago and I never really saw his 3 children as anything but a fun situation to be a part of. They were adults so that negates the need to parent young children, something I would not have been ready to be involved in. My own grief of being childless not by choice was just too intense.
I will never forget the Christmas Eve that I met his 3 adult children. I have never felt nerves like it. Whilst I am a highly sociable and confident person and very use to meeting new people of various backgrounds and making connections, this was something very different indeed. Within the confidence there is huge insecurity and fear of rejection. I felt so nauseous and I changed my mind several times throughout the day as to whether I would actually turn up much to my partner’s frustration. The meeting went really well and we had a wonderful evening, Christmas drinks and lots of fun was had.
I have a great relationship with all 3 of them and I feel extremely grateful to have them in my life and for how they have accepted me and made me feel welcome within their family but here lies one of the biggest challenges...
An Outsider
This is their family. They have 30 years of experiences together. They are extremely close as a family and I feel always at the periphery of it. Don’t get me wrong they do not exclude me or do anything which makes me feel this in the main but I feel like an outsider stood at the window and looking into a big, cosy living room and so enviously wanting to be on the inside.
Yes I am so fortunate to have a mum, dad and brother who I am close to but they live 100 miles away. I don’t have the stereotypical family that they have and no matter what people say I feel this at the core of my being
The Role
A major part of feeling an outsider is that within this family unit, I felt like I had no significant role. That I was superfluous to requirement, just dad’s girlfriend. At the very offset I did all I could to ingratiate myself with them. I went over and above to buy them things, do things for them, play the “parent” role. They did not really do Christmas like I know it to be but I had always dreamed of spoiling children at Christmas just like my parents did for me. I love to give presents and see people open them. I spent so much time researching what they would like and what would make them happy. I did this for the first few years but then I realised it was not expected or if I’m honest wanted.
I wanted them to like me, I wanted to belong, I wanted to be a maternal figure
Grandchildren
How did I not think about this eventuality?!? Why when we first got together did I just think about the adult children and the fact that they had all left home and were self sufficient. Why did I not consider the emotional impact of grandchildren. Well I didn’t and it has happened. The moment that I knew the announcement was about to be made will stay with me for a long time. The juxtaposition of emotions from extreme happiness for his daughter who has become a really good friend and the visceral sadness that this will never happen to me just caused an involuntary cascade of tears to which no amount of reason could abate.
How was I going to cope with a baby being so close to us, being such a huge part of our lives. Watching my partner not only be a dad but now experience the magic of grand parenting. I went into a spiral of worry and deep soul searching. My reaction to this would without doubt determine the future of my relationship. Something completely out of my control but with such emotional impact. I experimented with meditation to calm and ground myself and my emotions. When the moment came to meet the baby for the first time, I will be forever grateful and proud of my ability to embrace and from that moment I knew I would be able to experience something so special. Is it without challenges? Of course not. The morning of the birth and the exchange of texts between the parents of how special the day was that they both shared a grand daughter ripped my heart in two. Yet another thing I would not share with anybody and that my partner now shared with another woman. What would I be called? His daughter wanted to involve me which I am incredibly grateful for. I wasn’t even a mum though so how could I be a grandma, nanny anyway I felt too young for that. We settled on Grandpa's (Pops...they call their dad pops) and I acquired the title of Grandmops (Mops). How on earth did I end up in life as a Mop but that is where I am... I have to say that the bond I now have with the little one is the most special bond, completely unique. She has wanted me for comfort, consoling, feeding, putting to bed. She called me Mammy as anybody who nurtured her was Mammy. It is so warming and incredibly special yet incredibly raw at times when she shows me the most genuine love and affection.
We now have another beautiful little girl and I am filled with love for her and the relationship we can build together. I know I can get extreme joy from building a bond and being such an integral part of raising little ones.
Just summarising this has yet again reconfirmed the complexity of being a childless not by choice partner, girlfriend, wife to somebody with children. It is a plethora of joy, happiness, frustration, sadness, envy, pride and the journey of “step parenting” has been as difficult to navigate at times as the one of coming to terms with my childlessness.
This is how I redefined by identity and found my place. How I made peace with the situation and the challenges.
I am not a step parent or step grand parent. I am Helen (aka Mops). I have a unique and extremely important role in this family environment. One which I pride myself on but for this to be the reality I had to work on a number of my life matrix boxes....
I needed to accept that my role within this family was not parent. This was important as letting go of that desire and vision was imperative to feel content
Set boundaries. This situation was not a typical family unit with both parents being together and therefore the presence of another adult called for different boundaries. My privacy was important. I didn’t always have to be involved in events or outings and that was ok
I could love them all in my own way without the responsibility of parenting but as a friend. This comes with reciprocal expectations on how this friendship was to be. This will always be challenged being the partner of a parent but one that is important to remember
Create and ensure balance in my life. What I wanted to do and when was important and was also to be prioritised
I reassessed my values and determined whether this situation was in line with them
Self Love. I was doing a selfless task of being a “Grandmops” and giving my all to the welfare and care of a small human being and this would require lots of reflection, self care and time for me to process things
Establishing yourself within a family environment where there are children and grandchildren is not dissimilar to finding your feet within any new relationship and there will always be initial challenges and obstacles to overcome but just as finding and recreating your next chapter, this requires the same level of reflection and consideration. We are in control of what our role looks like and how we show up each day in this situation. We have to be at peace, we have to address our own expectations and boundaries. We owe it to ourselves to do the work and central to all of this is acceptance, boundary setting and self love.
The most important thing to remember is to put YOU at the centre of your Matrix!!!
