Stephanie Joy Phillips
World Childless Week Founder
If a computer breaks down or gets a virus we look at it logically and see it as outdated tech, in need of new parts, an overhaul, or ready for the scrap yard. If a car breaks down we consider the price of a new car, the trade in value it might get, or the cost of new parts and a mechanic to do the work. If an ornament seems out of place or piece of clothing is no longer fashionable or fits we pass them to a charity shop or put them in the recycling bin.
We use words like faulty, failure, not good enough for the job, outdated, a waste of time and space or it just doesn’t suit us anymore.
Sadly (and wrongly) if we wanted to be a parent and it didn’t happen for whatever reason we can fall into the trap of using the same negative words and descriptions we use on non sentient item to ourselves.
We have grown up saturated by pronatalism so when we fall outside of its ‘perfect bubble’ it can leave us on a pathway of self destruction filled with negative stereotypes of not fitting in, it can creating a vortex of self blame.
Unanswered questions seem to endlessley hit us in the face and it doesn’t matter what the reason was, if there ever was a reason in the first place, we ended up where we are and it hurts. Our heads can’t see a solution so instead we focus on where we failed; what we did wrong.
Society looks at us and doesn’t understand or see the complexities involved so in order for them to make a tidy solution in their own minds they make a judgement call. Within that call there can be cruelty and negative labels are placed upon us where they don’t exist. Our situation can be portrayed as abnormal, not following the flow, not fitting in.
Whoa, let’s STOP right here.
We are not a broken toaster, a cracked ornament or an outdated app, so why do we do this to ourselves? We were not built in a factory, and we can’t just hit a reset button. No matter what we do or what we wish for, we don’t have control over how our bodies work or life turns out.
If we blame our bodies, should we not look deeper into our biological make-up? Should we place the blame on our biological parents, grandparents or someone further down the generational lines? Could we research deep down the spiral of our family history in perseverance of finding a small genetic fault that grew through every generation until it ended up in us? I know how these negative labels can stick but we didn’t start our “downfall”. We are not to blame. We did not create our bodies and cannot be held responsible for any physical inability that caused our childlessness.
Perhaps we didn’t meet a partner or the right partner in order to have children. Again we self sabotage and look for our faults and where we went wrong. Too fussy, too busy, too shy, too extrovert, not fashionable, overweight, underweight, not pretty, too pretty, and the list goes on. Perhaps we did meet the right person but it wasn’t the right time, for either of us, or the right person came along too late. We did everything we could, when we could and choices made by us or for us can be out of our control and cannot be reversed.
This vortex of negativity and self blame can be overwhelming and feel like there is only one way to go and that way doesn’t look pretty or appealing. So how about pushing against what we have ingrained to be the norm? How about we start to push back and start to shout down our own self sabotage? Could we plant one seed of doubt, or I could say one seed of change into our own seemingly unlimited thoughts of corruption? What could that seed be:
I didn’t make my body
I didn’t hide in a cave and not socialise
I didn’t change the plans after we married
I didn’t choose to be born into a country that doesn’t cover my healthcare
I didn’t know that one decision would lead me in a different direction
I didn’t plan this
Is this possible, could we be the change that we need to a different perspective?
Could we help to slowly sow seeds that start to calm the storm, disrupt our way of thinking, and dare I say it… brings a small positive slant to our thought patterns?
When we see pets in rescue centres we question how they found themselves there. Were they rescued from a situation they couldn’t control, were they suddenly discarded because they didn’t fit in with someone’s life style, were their medical needs too much to cover, were they found alone with no back story to share. Perhaps all they want is someone to love and accept them for who they are without any questions asked.
If we feel empathy for them and take them for who they are in the moment of meeting, perhaps we can do that for ourselves. Reflection and blame create nothing but anger and self-deprecation. By planting one small seed at a time to help distort any present negative visions could allow in a small ray of positivity and create unknown possibilities.
You deserve to see the beauty you hold within, just as you are in this exact moment in time, and EVERY MINUTE GOING FORWARDS.
