Anne Altamore
World Childless Week Ambassador
I generally don’t pay much attention to marketing hype around days of remembrance. Every month there seems to be a day dedicated to convincing us we need to buy cards, gifts, flowers, take someone out to an expensive meal, and generally contribute to the money-making machine of global commercialism. (Yes, I am a tad cynical having once been a cog in the corporate marketing wheel.)
For a long time, Mothers’ Day was a day to celebrate Mom, Mother-in-Law, Aunties, Granny and the many female ancestors in our extended family. As they started to leave this earthly plane, the celebrations became fewer for the elders and started to focus on the next generation - cousins, siblings and their children celebrating them. Something I could not partake in both by choice and due to lack of inclusion by people with children.
Mothers’ day became a day to get myself nice gifts….because they were on sale…. perfume, jewellery, a winter coat, something a little extra special… just because… I am worth celebrating.
I still enjoy giving myself gifts ‘just because’ but as I get older, the gifts I really want and need can’t be bought – peace, wisdom, kindness, gentleness, empathy, compassion, – the qualities and values I find myself focussing on developing. Qualities I had once hoped to pass on to my children and their children.
However, with no descendants, no one to carry my story, my thoughts, my learnings into the future – I can’t help but wonder - will I be forgotten once my ashes are scattered? Most probably. And I am okay with that. BUT……is there some way I can make an impact while I am still here?
This year something Jody Day said in one of her interviews Elderhood without Motherhood really struck a chord – “just because I’m childless, it doesn’t mean I can’t be a good ancestor”. As I ponder her words ‘good ancestor’ two words come strongly to mind. LEGACY and LOVE.
How do I create a life lived with LOVE that becomes what defines me? Is that one way to leave a LEGACY? Can this mindset and way of connecting become my legacy of a forever outward spreading ripple of loving kindness? Is this the best way to honour the love I am not able to give to my precious twins who never took a breath?
What does Love mean to me? Because I like playing with words, I thought it would be interesting to see what L O V E becomes an acronym for in my world.
L – listen - with empathy and without judgement. Everyone has a story and needs a safe space to be heard at some time in their lives. I can be that safe space.
O - observe - not every need is obvious or stated. There are many ways to provide a helping hand. Where do my skills, competencies and passions best offer what is needed?
V - voice - can I be a voice for the voiceless? To advocate for people being heard, for change, for growth
E - evolve - allow myself to continuously learn, shedding self-doubt and dismantling cultural beliefs that no longer serve me.
How does this help in being a good ancestor? Building my legacy from a foundation of love is not what I leave behind – it is how I live and be present in the lives of others. What does L E G A C Y mean for me through the lens of LOVE?
L - love for the children I couldn’t bring into this world. Love for myself. Love directed towards those in need.
E - empowerment. Empowering myself to rewrite my narrative as a childless mother. To share my story so others do not feel alone.
G - guidance. Who and what guides my way? Integrity, values, role models who have gone before me? What can I learn and use in my journey?
A - authenticity. Living an authentic life true to myself. This includes not conforming where it does not benefit my values and goals.
C - connection. Creating and maintaining connections that matter, heal, and provide opportunities to make a difference.
Y - letting go of the WHY and accepting what cannot be changed. Embracing what is without shame and blame.
This Mothers’ Day I commit to being a good ancestor, to creating a LEGACY through the lens of LOVE that creates ripples of courage and care as an offering to my future self.
How about you? What words bring meaning to you? What shifting mindset might help reframe Mothers’ Day as you hold the ache of empty arms and honour yourself to create a full heart?
