Christina J.
I'm sitting at the piano and want to write you a song. But, just like so many times before, I have to cry while I try to find the words to describe what you mean to me.
My voice breaks, falters, and again, the tears come. They always come when I remember you and try to say goodbye. They come when a friend asks me if I want to hang a star on a tree for you. They come when I think about burying the little chestnut I keep in a drawer of my dresser in the bedroom. They come when I talk about you and realize how little I know about you and yet I love you so much with all my heart.
I can't say goodbye to you because I don't want to lose you.
And yet that's exactly what I did six years ago. I lost you. I lost you before I could really get to know you. You were only here for a few weeks, and yet you completely turned my world upside down. I want to put this feeling of deep love into your song, I want to give it to you as an eternal memory, I want to find the right words but once again I have to stop.
I can't sing anymore, I can't play anymore, because my heart is so heavy that the pain is too much and my creativity turns into sadness. And that only makes me even more sad. In the past, I was able to write about the things I experienced, composed songs. Even if the experiences were sad, I was able to process them in my music.
But with you, it is not possible. It is as if I feel this great, deep pain again and again, as if it had never gone away and there is only silence. What do I want to say to you? What do I want to say about you? What do I want to say about myself?
I am a musician who cannot write a single line about the greatest love of her life, no melody is good enough for you, and when I do start to sing, my voice immediately falls silent with the first sob. Will I ever be able to write a song for you? Will I ever be able to be creative again?
I am a musician without music, a singer without a voice, and an artist whose creativity is in deep mourning. Do I have to let you go in order to make music again? Can you promise me that you will still be there when I have hung your star on the tree, planted the chestnut tree, and written the farewell letter? You are the most precious thing I have ever had, and I know I have to let you go so that you can come back to me.
In my creativity, in my voice, in my song. I want to carry my love for you out into the world. With a smile and a song on my lips. Your song - yours forever.
