Jay Parmar
You have the choice to watch or read Jay’s submission (I recommend watching).
Stop it.
………………………….You know you screwed up, don’t you???
Stop it!
………………………….Look I’m just here to let you know… for your sake… I’m HELPING you…
Stop it!!!
…………………………You were never good enough anyway…
Stop it!!!
…………………………Anyway, you’re not important…
STOP IT!!!!!
…………………………Nah, nah, nah! You can’t get rid of me that easily!!!
STOP…………. IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…………………………Ha! You think I can go away! It’s hilarious! As usual, you can’t do anything right! It amusing…
JUST STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
……………………….. You know you’re here by yourself because you failed right???
NO! JUST…… STOP…….. IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
………………………But I’m your friend… Your only friend… Your closest friend… You NEED me…
Please…. Just stop it….
This is a conversation that we all know very, very well, right??? We’ve all had it a million times with ourselves and I can bet that you can hear the familiar voice of ‘wisdom’, loud and clear, even now. It tells us that we are here because somehow we fell short. Because we did something wrong. Because we failed.
It is the all too familiar ‘inner voice’…
Throughout my life, I have been battling with this inner dialogue, mainly because of childhood experiences which started with family but then branched out to people I encountered during my years growing up - friends, work colleagues, acquaintances, even lovers…
And it is a dialogue that ended up ruling and steering a great deal of my life, including my journey through childlessness.
That corrosive backchat that basically told me that I was no good and would amount to nothing had a major impact on my life and very much limited my progress and evolution. It made me painfully shy and extremely introverted. It literally was a ball and chain that held me back.
But, as I later discovered, it was actually a burden that I didn’t have to carry.
And, you know what?! I was willingly carrying it because people had told me that was the way it was. It was how I was. How I should be. That then attracted life experiences which affirmed this. And it wasn’t because that’s what life wanted to necessarily deliver to me, it was more so because that’s what ‘me, myself and I’ was asking for. It was what I was ‘ordering’ from life’s online store!
Life didn’t judge me. When I asked for more situations that would affirm the backchat, it just took my order, sent it to its little helpers, they wrapped it up neatly (sometimes even with a big bow) and shipped it to me……… often by snail mail, but sometimes by express courier! If you think about it, it was a pretty damn efficient and reliable online store!
I realise that I am making a joke about this, and that’s intentional because I would like this conversation between you and I to be lighthearted, and fun, and I want it to make us both smile and laugh, even though we are talking about something that is quite heavy, serious and emotional.
Yes, it will tug at the heartstrings, but listen, hang with me and I will make you smile by the end of our chat, ok?
So, you already know that life was not always peachy for me. In fact, I would go as far as saying it was downright depressing, sad, burdensome and tough! I grew up believing that I could only get so far and that’s exactly what happened. And I truly believe that it also affected my journey trying for a child and the adoption process that my wife and I went through. It’s pretty hard for me to admit this, even to myself, let alone you! I mean, we only just met! But, a part of me knows that the limiting beliefs I had played a role in eventually earning me the medal of ‘Childless Not By Choice’.
It was not a conscious choice though. It was because my inner navigator had been programmed a very specific way. And then I left my life to be steered by that ‘Sat Nav’… And what did that sat nav keep telling me??? ‘Uh, uh uh! Not that way! YOU can only go down this road sonny Jim!’ Sonny Jay in my case (yes, ever the comedian… da dum! Thank you very much, I’m here every Thursday!)
It was tough seeing other roads and opportunities I wanted to explore floating past me, kind of like I was looking out of a window of a train that I was riding on and couldn’t get off. Until eventually I just surrendered to it and told myself ‘Well, that’s just life… Live with it…’ That then became life for years and years. I just accepted what ‘was’. It wasn’t a bad life, but it wasn’t the life that I necessarily desired.
Childlessness has been another event that has affirmed this. Deep in my soul I felt that I had failed to live up to my potential. I had failed my wife, Bindi. I had missed another opportunity. I had failed in life. Life had beaten me again! Thanks Life! You’re a real pal! I mean, who needs enemies when I have a friend like you right? What’s another missed opportunity in my life??? Doesn’t matter does it? Because I’m not important am I???
Yes, it felt awful. The worst part was that it felt like I couldn’t do anything about it. It felt futile. I felt defeated.
But…………
You know another thing about me? I’ll tell you as we’re friends now… I am tenacious! I have an inner strength! A resilience! A determination! An extremely strong WILL!
And this was demonstrated to me when my wife and I realised that we would be childless (after the adoption process failed us so spectacularly). The despair that I witnessed in Bindi brings tears to me even now. It was crushing. Devastating! And very quickly I realised that I needed to be strong for her. I needed to be her rock!……….. Which is easy for me as I am a rock guitarist… ergo…
Look, I told you I was a comedian didn’t I!? Lol!
In all seriousness, the part of me that was able to be a ‘Rock’ did stem from my life and journey through being a rock musician. It has been the one constant in my world from when I picked up the guitar when I was 16 years old. Even though I let many musical opportunities pass me by because of fear, I never stopped believing that I was good at what I did. I was and still am a fantastic musician! And I don’t say that in an arrogant way! I just have a very strong inner belief in that aspect of me. Whenever life dealt me lemons, I retreated into my musical world and made those lemons into the best tasting lemonade. And trust me, life sent me some HUGE lemons!!! It was just something that I did because you know what, my musical navigator was pretty bad ass!
And, when childlessness happened, that navigator told me ‘I got this…’ And you know, we did have it! I was able to be there for Bindi from the day it happened and still am now, holding the fort when needed, being the listener when she needed to talk (and unload, which was often…), being there to hold her when grief hit. Being there to love her every day.
It made me realise that there was another aspect of me that had incredible strength, resilience and was looking out for me. It had the ability to steer me in the direction that I wanted to go.
And you know the irony? That navigator was actually the realme…
When I took the drivers seat and started steering, I was able to go where I wanted to. I could explore those streets that the ‘sat nav’ didn’t necessarily want me to. Although, for the longest time, it did keep chiming in and to my embarrassment, I kept listening… (apologies to myself for listening to the incessant ramblings of a delusional and deranged sat nav… my bad!).
Being able to be there for Bindi has been one of the greatest achievements of my life. It has been the most challenging as well, but thats what you do in the name of love, right? I mean the vows say ‘in sickness and in health… for richer or poorer’ don’t they? The basic tenet that when life gets tough, don’t run, stand with as much strength as you can and show the universe what you’re made of!
Life is very different these days. That shy kid who had little self belief and confidence is somebody whom I have a vague recollection of. I’m only remembering him because we’re having this heart-to-heart. This is a recent evolution though - only over the last few years. But I got there! I did it! I became the person that I wanted to! I feel like I’m in control!
And it was because that inner strength, that mettle, was always there. Deep, deep, deep inside me. But, I had been told over and over to look the other way, and I kept listening to those voices.
Even so, it still stood by me…
So, today I am a more confident person. I am a more confident musician. I have belief in myself. I like myself. I enjoy who I am and what I do. I smile a lot. I laugh a lot. I enjoy life!
And I can see in your eyes that you’re wondering ‘how did you do it Jay??? Don’t hold out on me now man!’
Well, it turned out to be relatively simple… I stopped looking behind me and started looking in front of me. I just shifted my gaze and discovered that there was sunlight shining into my eyes (so much so that a cool pair of shades are necessary on this journey… I would highly recommend Ray Bans…) and I like sunlight. NO! I love sunlight!
This is how I choose to live my life now!
Yes, lots of very, very crappy things happened to me in the past, and challenges still come up, but I have chosen to stop allowing them to rule my life - today and in the future. Yeah, they will always be a part of me, I know that, but they are memories and mementos. Some will bring up sad feelings, like the journey to childlessness, but I can reflect on them and then put my cool shades back on and start looking at the beautiful day ahead of me.
Its a choice I make… Some days it is easy, some takes a little bit more will power. But, everyday I just keep remembering… I’m navigating now…
I always, always say to people… if I can do it, you can definitely do it!
So, trust me… when that naysayer comes around again doing it’s blah, blah, blah again… just say ‘Stop it…’. Be calm and just observe it. It won’t be expecting you to say anything and it will quieten down. You can get angry at it if you want - wouldn’t recommend it though, because it’ll just come back with more fire and brimstone! Been there done that… too many T-Shirts… But if you boogie like that famous saying ‘Keep Calm and Stop It…’ ahhhhhh… you see what I did there??? you’ll see magic happen! Trust me…
OK, listen, this has been fun, but I gotta go make some guitar noises and write some rockin’ music! If you wanna rock out with me, then you know where I am!!!!
Mucho love and catch ya later!!!!
