Dear Forgiveness:
Yes, it has taken me a long time to find you, however I’m starting to reach you. I know I forgive the five-year-old fat kid with a damaged soul due to a broken body diagnosed by the age 5. You see I grew up in the “normal” world; I went to a “regular” school, many times the only one with ugly orthotic braces on my legs.
Even though I knew I looked different, I didn’t feel different until my teens. That is when I decided at the age 18 (the year my menstrual cycle came, thought late my most standards I was told the disability and my weight might have contributed) I thought I’m 18, I’m an adult now and surely I will find love in college (university). I went to a commuter school as I could not afford the tuition for room and board nor the care people necessary to be far from home.
I was more than okay with losing weight rapidly, people would call me pretty! Something I never heard outside my family unit (ever). I forgive myself for going on the pill so early for convenience and wondering maybe that is what contributed to my childlessness. Or my eating disorders I dealt with at the time, did they cause my childlessness? I wonder if I had a good therapist back then, would things have been different for me and what if I started dating earlier than age 25?
There comes a few defining moments in one’s life and I realized I had to stop the rumination. There is no going back in this life only forward.
After all I met a man at the age of 27 who very much wanted to be in a relationship and eventually marry me. We dated for 3 months and he was conflicted by his feelings for an ex-girlfriend and a spiritual fight within himself. I could blame on all of that, but the truth is I broke it off; I wasn’t attracted to him in a romantic way.
So, to have a relationship with a man I didn’t love seemed wrong and still does. Even last year when he contacted me again for a second chance, I debated that. In the dark of night I thought it was better to be with somebody then not to be with anybody. In the light of day I contacted him saying that I was flattered by it but I had moved on, which was true.
I began forgiving me and loving me! Now don’t get me wrong if Mr. Right for me comes along I won’t hesitate. I eat better, exercise as much as I can and I forgive my broken body; no longer broken just unique like me. Forgiveness is the gift I give myself along with a piece of expensive chocolate, a good concert and more books than people would recommend! Yes, I forgive me for all the things I cannot do, or be, or change and focus on what I can change. Am I childless yes, will I ever be over it no, but I’m fine without it!
I am me!
And finally, I can say I forgive myself.
I’m a work in progress not perfection.
Anonymous