Dear Sarah,
This is a difficult letter to write to you, because you’re me, and we don’t often talk in this way. We don’t often sit together in silence and contemplate the thoughts and feelings that come up around the fact you couldn’t have the children you so desperately wanted. So here goes…
I know you’ve never been a fan of the ‘f’ word. No, not that one! You love that one! I’m talking about forgiveness. It’s the one word that I know you really struggle with. It’s not so much the word itself, but the whole concept of being able to forgive. It’s all just so nice, fluffy and wonderful and gorgeous. Eugh! That’s not you, with all the rough edges, caustic humour and spikiness, there isn’t much room for such softness.
Because, you’re your own harshest critics and a lot of that is because of the infertility and childlessness. For years you told yourself that you’re not good enough and it’s happened so often that you’d struggle to give specific examples. But, I know it saw you settle for things when you feel, with hindsight, you should’ve pushed harder and, yes, I know you include accepting medical professional’s rather glib statements when it came to your gynaecological health.
I watched you struggle with some frankly batty symptoms that screamed ‘there’s a problem here’. Heavy, painful periods, that sometimes showed up early and sometimes late. And more often than not more frequent than most women’s, because you basically had two a month. And despite years of you and your now husband not playing it safe at all, never, not once, did you have a scare. So, yeah there were some niggling doubts when you started trying. But, it was fine because all of the procedures and gyneas you’d had up to that point told you it would all be fine, there was nothing to worry about…
So, fast forward to now, after your heart breaking miscarriage of the one and only pregnancy and then being told that stage 4 Endometriosis had rendered you unable to have children. Oh, and then the hysterectomy to ‘cure’ your Adenomyosis, is it any wonder that forgiveness is a bloody hard concept for you to grasp. Particularly, as there are so many experts to blame and your own ambivalent feelings around your mis-firing privates.
But, Sarah you’ve gone out of your way not to become bitter and never have you ever expressed any anger at the ‘experts’ that missed all of the obvious. As easy as that would be, you’ve tried hard not to do that, because frankly what would be the point? But, does this not show a level of forgiveness that perhaps others wouldn’t have been able to show?
So, why then is it that you cannot offer yourself the same level of forgiveness? Why is it that you continue to carry around with you all the guilt and the shame from your infertility? How was it your fault that no-one listened to you? How was it your fault that you accepted the repeated mantra that ‘this is normal for you’ at face value when it came from so many different experts? You were young and you were hopeful and relied on those that said they knew more.
But if I can offer one piece of advice, you need to let go of the feelings that you failed and that you let your unborn son down. I know you still feel the heartache when you think about him, but you need to forgive yourself and your body for this. It’s hard to accept, but it wasn’t a case of letting anyone down, more a case of shit genetics.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and the fact is that this has been a life changing event for you. It’s defined you and changed you in ways that as someone that sat at rock bottom after all of these events, wouldn’t have thought possible. You are the strongest person I know and you have dealt with so much, and you are still here. You are still here determined to make changes to yourself and help others. If that doesn’t deserve forgiveness then I don’t know what does.
So, Sarah, I don’t ask for much, only that you start to like yourself more and that you start to forgive your body so that you can show yourself some self-care and self-love in a way that heals the broken heart and the wounds from the past. You deserve to forgive yourself – it’s the greatest gift you can give yourself.
Love always
Sarah
Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash