Before sunrise on a cold,snowy morning this past winter, my best friend, my precious mother, passed away with my father, younger brother, his wife, and I at her side.
In the days that followed, my father and I got calls, texts, and cards of condolence and sympathy. We were given food, flowers, and a variety of gifts. My grief over losing my mother and Dad’s grief over losing his wife of nearly 43 years was recognized, validated, cared for.
At Mom’s funeral, I rose up and spoke about Mom before singing her favorite song “Jesus, the Very Thought of Thee”. One of the things God put in my mouth to say about Mom was that I was her “right hand man” and that one of her greatest fears was that I would die before her.
Had I died before Mom, her grief over losing me, her born living daughter, would have been recognized validated, cared for.
For the most part, my grief over being single and childless has not been recognized, validated, cared for.
When I mention my grief over not being married and not having children, I am usually met with awkward silence. Most people have no clue how to react. Culture and organized religion do not teach people how to care for those who are single and childless not by choice.
“But you can always adopt” or “Have you considered adoption?” I have been asked/told variations of those countless times.
No. I cannot afford the cost of adoption, nor can I afford to be a single parent, especially since Mom is no longer on earth to help with childcare. Besides, being a single parent is not for me. I am directly descended from several single parents. I have experienced the effect single parenting has on the following generations. I am relatives and friends to several single parents, know others through my life’s journey, and have heard the stories of many more. It’s not the life for me unless God drops a child into my lap… and if He does, He will also provide the means to care for that child.
This life of being single and childless and now motherless was something I was not prepared for, even though I am related to and my parents were friends with many people who are single, childless, or married without children. I don’t hold it against my parents. They did the best they could and have been nothing but supportive in my single, childless life. Mom often mentioned how happy she was that she did have grandchildren, and the day I submitted this, Dad said something to me that was deeply caring of not only my childless not by choice life, but of younger brother’s childless not by choice life. The people I hold responsible are those in professional Christian ministry who claimed that a woman’s ultimate calling was to be a wife and mother, that it was a sin for women to hold careers outside the home, and that the Bible was marriage and family focused
Mom often told me how “The more she read the Bible, the less she wanted to go to church”. She became a “Done”- someone who has left church, but not God - long before there was a term for people who have left organized religion, but not God.
When I searched the scriptures for answers about my singleness and childlessness, I found that contrary to what those in professional Christian ministry taught, the Bible is NOT marriage and family focused. It is very supportive of singles and childless people and large chunk of it was written by people who were single and childless. Another large chunk of it is written by people whose marital and natal status is not stated. Of those whose marital and natal status is known, the focus is placed on their relationship with God, not their spouses and children.
Although most people don’t understand my grief in my single, childless not by choice journey, there ARE gems of people who care. As I was in the process of writing this, I shared a post on Facebook from a previous World Childless Week about the difficulty those of us who are childless not by choice have with church and a bit of my own pain in that regard. A married with children friend gave a very comforting, encouraging comment. I attended an educational program at a park, and afterwards talked to a married with children staff member of the park system and mentioned that I was finding my way in this unexpected life without Mom, without the family I always wanted, and was preparing for a life alone. “You sound like you need a hug” the park system staff member said, and flung her arms around me.
Two married with children women cared about my grief as a single childless woman, and it meant the world to me.
Like Mom, I am now a Done who loves God but who has left organized religion for good. I stumble along on this unexpected path of singleness, childlessness, and now motherlessness, fighting each battle, putting one foot in front of the other, doing what needs done, and trying my best to care for my community, my co-workers, my family and friends, and others that God puts into my path.
During one of my college graduations, we sang the song “Walk Thou With Me” aka “Confidence” by E.B Barnes and Homer A Rodeheaver and the first verse and refrain are the cry of my heart as I walk this single, childless, now motherless, journey.
Verse 1
Walk Thou with me, nor let my footsteps stray
Apart from Thee, throughout life’s threatening way;
Be Thou My Guide, the path I cannot see;
Close to Thy side, Lord let me walk with Thee.
Refrain:
Dear Savior, let me trust my hand in Thine,
And let me know Thy steps are guiding mine;
Life’s changing way is oft-times dark to me,
I fear no ill if I may walk with Thee.
Katia
Mom’s hand in mine shortly before she died. I held her hand most of her last 6 ½ hours on earth.
