Ten years ago - new year 2012 - I embarked on the project ”finding mr right”. As a laugh, more than for real, and more because my friend really wanted a relationship. One year, was the thought. But halfway through it dawned on me - this is not me!
I had, more or less unconsciously, never really put any focus on partnering up. But since society tells us that’s how it’s really supposed to be I did sort of think I will, and I should. Without analyzing what I want.
At the end of that project - summer 2012 - I rather relieved realized I do not want or need a partner. For me, being by myself is quite enough, and even preferred.
Society is not really good at giving that space though, and I often get asked when I will find someone. (As if I could answer that!?) And people even say I only tell myself I don’t want a relationship.
I can feel it’s pretty much the same as with being childfree - people are quick to point out one ”will change one’s mind”. That one is just ”supposed to have” children. (Rolling my eyes.)
I feel that it’s hard to find other stories of happy singlehood also in the CNBC circles. The common story is that of the double whammy - grief from both childlessness and lack of partner.
I am relieved that I only have one part of that grief, but also find it might be hard to find others that share my feelings. I often don’t find my place in the single networks, that mainly also focus on the longing for partnership in addition to childlessness. (But I do find my place in the community as a whole, so I don´t feel left out!)
I really wanted children - and went through a four-year period of fertility treatments. The project finding mr right turned into project solo mother by choice. With a long series of IUI:s, IVF:s and ICSI:s - both with my own eggs and donated.
Sadly that project ended without results.
Nowadays I have already come to the feeling that my life is okay and lovely also without kids, but the grief is still a part of it. And I think that is okay. It is a big part missing. But I also have a lot, and that is giving me a fulfilling and happy life.
If I compare my feelings towards my childlessness to those for my singlehood, I get confirmation in my thought that a partner isn’t important to me. The feelings around childlessness are part sadness and emptiness and part relief (nowadays - because it’s also exhausting having kids). Whereas the feeling around being single is contentment and even happiness, and it just is how my life is.
And I have made peace with the fact that others have opinions and thoughts about that. People always do, and I can take it. I’m okay with being me, and that’s enough.
If this resonates with you, and you can recognize the feeling towards being single - please know it is more than fine to live happily as a single person!
If it doesn’t - a big hug! I hope this text didn’t feel insensitive of your longing for a partner! I do understand that most people have that wish. And I hope you find ways to fill that void in your life – be it a partner of other things.
All the best to you all!
Katja
