Growing up as an African man, I had the concept that life is made complete by having a family with children. So strong was this thought that I could not imagine a married life without any offspring. Fatherhood was equal to manhood. The common greeting in my Ndebele culture is incomplete when one has not asked about the wellbeing of children. Even when meeting someone you don’t know, you ask, “Banjaniabantwana?”loosely translated, “How are the children?”
Life can become a complicated maze without a clue, a meandering pathway leading nowhere, and a springing yoyo that achieves nothing. Such was my life when I wanted fatherhood to be the defining “hood.” I battled with questions that did not have answers. I struggled with pain with no pain killer. I became an emotional wreckage. The smile I had daily was covering up for my woundedness. I did not see any other “hood” except “fatherhood.” However, I am grateful that when I sought for counselling, I found my tribe, realised my worth, sprung back to life and discovered that there are many “hoods” besides fatherhood.
Life is more that the “hood” I craved for. I found brotherhood and loco-parentis-hood. Interestingly, I was so blinded that I could not relate to my husband-hood. Childlessness made it deeper. Shifting my “hood” has been a process of re-authoring the marriage myth I had built over time. It took being vulnerable and admitting my inadequacies. That began the journey towards realising that my “hood” is somewhere else.
There were several hurdles I had to face in the pathway to shifting my “hood.” As I write, these have not been completely removed, and I must say that they will not be removed. I must find a way of dealing with them.
Religious Realities.As a religious leader and person, there are religious realities that govern what I do. While others are meant to be constants that make me a true Christian, some of them are socially constructed. It is unfortunate that the latter easily become the ideals. People begin to measure each other using them. One such social tag I have met is that being childless is godless. In searching the Scripture, I have found this to be false. However, since a repeated lie becomes a “new truth,” I had to develop an “antibiotic” for this notion. I administer it daily. I call it, “Righteous Rebellion.” This is where I dispel publicly and personally all these concepts.
Stigmatising Stories.I have no problem with stories of people having their children after a long struggle. I have been part of the process of praying for the birth of children without any challenge. However, raising these stories as success makes mine to look like a failure. I have listened to those who share them with a notion that I can only be “successful” if I am doing what they did. While these stories are great, if they are not presented with oil of grace, they have a tendency of stigmatising those who have failed to have children. Each time I get such a story, I try to change it into a “sanitisingstory,” that is, instead of allowing it to eat up my mental health I force it to restore my sanity.
Masculinity Myths. In an African sense, no man is a real man without fathering a child. As previously stated, fatherhood is equated to manhood. This is the reason why those of my tribe can easily receive comments like, “You are playing”, “You are shooting blanks”, “You are wasting that woman” and so on. This is rooted in destructive masculinity myths. “Masculinity Management” is the cure I have found. This entails debunking this socially constructed myth and understanding oneself as a complete man without fathering any children. It takes using the stones of destruction that are hurled at you as blocks for redefined manhood.
Legacy Leaving.One of the troubling questions is “Who will inherit what you amassed?” Others include, “Who will benefit from your building?” “Why not adopt so that you will have someone to enjoy your inheritance when you are gone?” As I look at these questions, they all focus on life when I am dead. I have thought to myself, “Isn’t relevance in the present more important?” Should people benefit from me when I am gone? Can I not make a difference now? Having no child has empowered me to adopt “Legacy Living” as opposed to “Legacy Leaving.”
I have written a poem in collecting my thoughts on shifting my “hood”. If you are in my shoe, may you find your own “hood”.
I Shift My “Hood”
I sound lost in the neighbourhood
Where men are defined by fatherhood
Trying to find my own “hood”
A search that did me no good
By all means I thought I could
All that came to me was crude
And thoughts stubborn and rude
I shift my “hood” in gratitude.
They came with their bouncing baby boys
With all their fancy and flashy toys
As marks that proved their fatherhood joys
I looked at the empty cradle envoys
Studying a subject that really annoys
I shift my “hood” as the inner man enjoys
I shift my “hood” by replacing
Religious realities with righteous rebellion
Stigmatising stories with sanitising stories.
Masculinity myths with masculinity management.
Legacy leaving with legacy living
Oh, yes, I shift my “hood.”