See-saws and roundabouts!

I’ve been dragging my feet for the last few weeks. Since World Childless Week ended I have felt numb, excited, relieved, emotional, overwhelmed, thankful and neutral. A real hodgepodge of feelings that have changed from day to day, and sometimes from minute to minute. I have been fighting an invisible barrier between feeling eager to start updating and adding new events, submissions and groups to the website but also wanting to sit in a warm spot and allow the world to roll on by without my interaction.

A week after World Childless Week I sat at my computer and answered half of the emails that were accumulating every day. I fully intended to answer the rest over the following few days but I found myself unable to find the momentum to do so. I felt guilty knowing these people had reached out, but my despondency won, and the emails remained unanswered.

Then my husband had a holiday from work and it was easy to spend time with him and ignore everything World Childless Week. During that time I took out a new mobile phone contract but in doing so my new mobile did not automatically link to my Twitter and Instagram accounts. So they have also been ignored for over a week. My connections were breaking and I was not just at a standstill but in fear of rolling backwards.

Today is the day I have decided to fight back. Fight to get myself out of a rut that I self imposed.

So I apologise to you all; to anyone who is waiting for me to respond to their messages, interact with their events or acknowledge that they are there and matter. I am not going to promise that everything I need to do and want to do will get sorted over the next few days but I do promise that I will start to catch up and prove to you that World Childless Week is here to support you throughout the year.

I also apologise to myself for allowing the feelings of losing control and being out of my depth to engulf me. Equally I am going to forgive myself. Life is a bundle of emotions that I have to work through. No matter how I deal with them or how I reflect on them, they are part of me. Yes it sometimes feels like I am just going around in circles or up and down the same route but at some point I will find the strength to step away and carry on in a straight line again. I forgive myself for taking that time out and allowing myself to ignore the world for a little while.

I accept I am not perfect and by admitting I have flaws I may find my own inner strength. Today I acknowledge and embrace that I needed to sit in that warm spot and allow the world to roll by without me, just for a while.

 

Stephanie Phillips

Founder, World Childless Week