Finding Acceptance and embracing Plan B
Acceptance
I’m going to start with an apology. Last year in the blog I wrote for WCW I gave the impression that, having worked through my grief, my life was perfect.
Well I wasn’t quite telling the truth.
In my defence I was still on a high from publishing my book ‘Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness’ 3 months earlier & I thought; ‘Yes this is it now. I’ve done my grief work, I’ve stripped off the layers I’ve been adding all my life, I’ve finally come home to my authentic self and I’ve reached a deep level of self-acceptance. Job done.’
Not exactly.
It was a story I was telling myself and, whilst it was a great story, it seems I hadn’t got to the end; there are more chapters to write, more story to tell.
It’s absolutely true that I felt more me than I’ve ever felt; digging into my grief and the subjects I wrote about was incredibly cathartic and telling my story to the world gave me a huge boost. But there was more to go.
I realise now that if you’re serious about your self-development and you absolutely want to make the most of your life, the work never stops. Which can be both a blessing and a curse. There have been times this year when I’ve been excited by what might happen next and others when I’ve had enough. At these times I take a few breaths and remind myself that this is the life I’ve chosen.
I’ve also found self-acceptance to be slippery. It feels to me that it’s one of those concepts where you think you’ve got it and then suddenly something else pops up you hadn’t expected so you go back a few steps. When I’ve read through my old journals and realise that, despite believing that I’d accepted myself, my foibles and my wonderfulness, there are some aspects of myself and habits that I still find it hard to accept.
But I keep going, I keep digging and I’ve had some incredible moments which have shown me that what I’m, dong is working.
Plan B (or maybe no plan …)
Two ways I have changed since last year are that I’ve become more determined to live a life I love & very happy to live without a long term plan. Now these might seem to be incompatible so let me explain.
My additional determination comes from close reminders of the fragility and preciousness of life. One day in June my husband and myself were at different funerals, 150 miles apart. The lives of 2 dear friends ended too soon. They had both been fit and healthy; one taken suddenly, the other by the terrible motor neurone disease.
Their deaths have changed me fundamentally and lit a fire in me to absolutely live the best life I can. As you know, the one certainty is that life will end. And until that day (which I hope is a long way off) I am absolutely determined to make the most of my life and of every day.
I was recently talking to a number of our friends some with children and others without and it was surprising how many felt this way. Enjoying ourselves and doing what we love seemed to be the theme of many conversations and to quote from Finding Joy: ‘We have been given the chance to shape our lives which can either be a luxury or a constrictor. I, my friends, and the other women who share their stories all saw it as an opportunity and I hope you do, too.’
I don’t have a specific plan to achieve this, no goals I want to achieve. Instead, I will follow my curiosity, do what I enjoy and spend as much time with family and friends as I can.
I’ll end asking you the wonderful question by Mary Oliver
What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
Please don’t waste any more time staying stuck, life is too precious not to live it to the full.
I am childless, an only child and I’ve lost both parents. My life didn’t turn out as I planned. But because of the work I’ve done, I can confidently say that all of these have shaped me, but none of them define me.
I am the same as you and I believe with every fibre of my being that finding acceptance and Plan B (or plan C or no plan) is possible for you. Please, please take a step today.
Lesley Pyne
Blogger & Author of Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness: Inspiring Stories to Guide You to a Fulfilling Life.