Path to Acceptance
In 2015 a year into being married we decided to try for a baby, we weren’t sure if we wanted one or not (though deep down I’m sure we would always have one) but felt as we were 31 and 33 we should probably give it a go. If it didn’t work, then that was fair enough we wouldn’t go down the route of testing.
The first-year past with no joy, as annoying as it was when you are trying to achieve a goal (of getting pregnant) which isn’t happening in terms of not having a baby we weren’t overly bothered, I knew that it could take a while. A second year passed and still no joy, by this stage it was becoming very frustrating and every month was another disappointment that had to be managed. My husband suggested we do some tests, I wasn’t overly keen at first, I never married my husband to become a mum and we have a lovely life, I worried what it would feel like if we found out one of us had an issue, would it change anything? I said we would test but no way would I go through IVF. If it wasn’t meant to be then it wasn’t meant to be.
In March 17 we started the tests, by September we were told that we had unexplained fertility. They recommended IVF and we were put on (the very long) waiting list. Our first consultation with the fertility clinic wasn’t until Jan 2018, by this stage my first of three close friends had just got pregnant with the other two following close behind a few months later.
We knew we would probably not be receiving our NHS IVF round until 2019 so decided to do one private (expensive) round. I was told I was young in IVF terms (34) I could expect to get around 20 eggs!! Out of the 11 eggs they got only 6 fertilized and the next day only 3 had survived. None survived to day 6 (in Ireland where I went for treatment, they only do frozen transfers) and so that round was a failure, I didn’t even have anything to put back in.
April 2019 I eventually get my letter to receive my free NHS round. This round was even more of a disaster, after 6 weeks of crazy drugs they got 4 eggs, 2 fertilized and none survived the next day.
And just like that 4 years of trying including 2 years of testing and waiting and then it was over.
We said we would never test, we did. We said we would never do IVF, we did… twice, we said we would do one free round and one private round, thankfully we are sticking to this.
The cost emotionally, physically and financially is far too high to keep going. You focus on something for so long and it becomes an obsession, but all the while life is passing you by. In the end of the day as devastating as it is it just isn’t meant to be.
One an intellectual level I fully believe that I can have a great life without children, and that life can be a lot easier without them, but right now on an emotional level I am lost. I don’t even understand how I feel most of the time, just that I’m struggling, it’s a mixture of trauma and grief. I feel left out, worried about the future, feeling like I will be left behind by my friends who are all now in their first year as parents. Family is so important and yet my family consists of me and my husband, are we not as important anymore?
And there is so much silence, the silence is deafening and makes me feel claustrophobic. Infertility affects 1 in 6 and yet out of all the people I know (and I know a lot of people) I only know one other person going through this.
It feels like you are not allowed to talk about it, it is shameful and stigmatized yet at the same time everyone is allowed to ask you about it. I spent 4 years telling people how I wanted to do a good bit more travelling before having a baby. It seemed more acceptable than “thanks for asking, we have actually been in a sh*t storm of infertility and our only chances are if we spend thousands of pounds and pump my body full of the hormones found in post-menopausal women”
For me my acceptance starts with being open and honest, if that is uncomfortable for anyone then hopefully that will teach them to be more sensitive and less inquisitive in future. Joining forums, joining support groups, reading books helps me to feel less alone and also helps me work out my own feelings (of which there is a ridiculous amount). I have a long path ahead of me, processing the last 4 years, the disappointments and mis-expectations but I can only assume my life will be exactly how it is meant to be and it will be wonderful.
J White