Many people who discover that they’re unlikely to have children sadly also start to think that they can’t have any kind of meaningful contact with children. That’s not true of course. There are so many ways in which it’s possible to have a positive role in the lives of young people. I could mention leadership in organisations like the scouting movement, for example., or teaching in a Sunday school, or coaching a sports team. In all of those contexts, it’s possible to have a big influence for good on the next generation.
But one of the most responsible and deeply traditional ways in which non-parents can help to nurture young people is godparenting. From a Christian perspective, you simply can’t underestimate the importance of the role that a godparent is meant to perform.
But what exactly is that role?
Well, there’s a good deal of variation across different cultures, these days, but the core responsibility of a godparent is to witness a child's christening. This practice started as early as the 2nd century, although initially it was the natural parents who performed the role . That changed in the 9th century, when it became essential for godparents witnessing the christening to be people other than the natural parents. Importantly, this witnessing role has always merged into a responsibility for supporting the child’s lifelong spiritual formation. And it’s this that makes it an absolutely crucial role– certainly not just a consolation prize for childless people.
It has to be said that, in some cultures, godparenting is seen in largely non-religious terms. The rationale is often that the godparent is someone who would help with the upbringing of a child should anything happen to their parents. That’s more or less the case in the UK, for example, where my husband comes from. When I was preparing to write this piece, he rather sadly told me how his godparents just happened to be friends with his natural parents at the time of his birth, but subsequently drifted away - contact was limited to birthday and Christmas cards.
In other cultures the institution of godparenting is much more prominent and prestigious. Italy is a good example. There, the best man and maid of honour at a couple’s wedding will often go on to become the godparents of their first child. As a result, those people are chosen with real care, and the candidates will fully understand the seriousness of their responsibility to nurture the child spiritually.
Naturally, this Italian approach to godparenting springs directly from the Catholic culture of that country. In the case of my own Catholic country of birth – Poland – the role of godparent is similarly important, although drifting in the direction of secularism these days. Our godparents are usually family members, and, as a result, there’s a permanence to the relationship that can’t be taken for granted in some other cultures. Your godfather is usually from one side of the family and your godmother is from the other side, so it also has an important role in cementing the join between two families. Godparenting duties in Poland will often involve taking a discreet interest in whether or not the child is being taken to Church, but also obligatory attendance at the child’s major spiritual landmarks: Confirmation, wedding and so on. In addition to those major occasions, it’s not unusual for people to go and talk to their godparents at difficult times of life – so it’s the duty of a godparent to come up with loving, experienced advice on such occasions.
As a childless person, it’s not unusual to be asked to perform the role of a godparent. For better or worse, many people tend to see it as a sort of consolation prize that they can offer their childless friend or relative. However, if It is offered to you, I would encourage you to accept, as It is a role that can be life-changing – not only for the child, but also for the godparent. What I’d now like to argue is that, even if you don’t come from a culture where godparenting is prestigious and involves serious spiritual responsibilities, it’s possible for you as a childless person to approach it in a way that has an extremely positive affect on the lives of everyone concerned – spiritually, socially and in many other ways.
What are my qualifications for commenting on the godparent role? Well, my husband and I have, between us, four godchildren aged from 4 to 21 -three boys and one girl. Naturally, I also have two godparents of my own, and unlike my husband’s godparents, they have been rather active and involved in my life. As a result, I feel I have some useful insights that I can offer anyone (childless or not) who is offered the role of godparent.
The first and most unexpected lesson that I learned is that a little investment of time goes a very long way. You might think you only spent a short time playing with a child or talking to them, but if it was quality contact, I guarantee the child will take you to their heart and feel that they have a valuable relationship with you. For example, our goddaughter used to see us once or twice a year, but on those occasions we would make a special effort to play at whatever she liked doing and connect by chatting directly with her rather than via her parents. Unfortunately, we now see even less of her, because she lives in another country from us much of the time. So, when we recently got in touch with her, there had been a long absence, and the meeting had to be held via Skype (because it was during lockdown). As the time for the chat got closer, we were a little afraid that it might be a stilted affair, but actually we were surprised by how easy to reconnect it was. Obviously a lot had changed in her life, but she clearly remembered that we had a special relationship and we were back to relaxed chatter very quickly.
The second lesson is closely related. A little time spent playing or chatting may go a long way, but material goods certainly do not. I made that mistake with one of my godchildren. I felt guilty about not seeing him often enough, and because of those guilty feelings, I made sure I gave him plenty of presents. But, rather than securing his love and trust, I noticed that he started treating me as just a source of gifts. It felt like he didn't really see me as a person at all. In the end, I was able to fix that situation simply by spending more quality time with him.
The third lesson comes from my own godfather. He taught me that even if you think the godparent relationship is quite distant and the child is not really interested in you, sometimes if you persist in that relationship it will actually get stronger. My wonderful godfather, who is the brother of my dad, would regularly get in touch when I was a child. But after my father died he made a point of upping his game still further. There was no practical reason for the frequent contact, but he made opportunities to pop in now and again – especially when I was a teenager. I didn't really notice how hard he was trying at the time, but then when I grew up I suddenly got it. It dawned on me that, even though he didn’t live nearby, he had been making considerable effort to be present. It was a moving realisation for me. I thought Gosh, he really cares about me and about the fact that we should have a relationship, and I started reciprocating. We now get on very well.
The 4th and final lesson that I want to share comes from my godmother. She taught me that if you want to support a young person, it's important to remember they are free to accept or reject your help. I was lucky enough to receive a lot of opportunities from her– mostly in the form of learning experiences connected to my profession as a linguist. When I was a student, she took me on business trips and showed me a different world. It was a big thing at that time in Poland, and I took up many of the opportunities, but there were some that I just wasn't interested in and rejected. I understand now that she tried hard to graciously accept those decisions even though she probably thought they were foolish. I'm really grateful to her that she didn't feel offended and become more distant as a result.
It’s natural to want to hand on something to future generations, helping out young people by offering resources, advice and opportunities. We all like the idea of leaving a human legacy – a life or lives that we have influenced for the better. These are universal human instincts and they are very much shared by people who are childless. Being a godparent is an extremely noble and important way of fulfilling those needs. So, I hope that the four lessons I have described here will help you to approach this role with confidence, but also with a sense that it is far more than just a consolation prize.
Sławka Kaczmarek