I dreamt about you
You never had a face
You were part of my dream life
You were part of my silent thoughts
I had thought my life would have you in it
But life had other plans
I pictured timelines and parties
With family to celebrate
But I attended the parties and
Missed all those celebrations for you
You have a name
You have a part of me
I’ll think of you often
Not just when I see your ultrasound flipped inward on the side of my fridge
You are part of who I am
You have brought me inspiration
You have brought me change
I wouldn’t be who I am without you

The grief before you was frustrating, I didn’t understand it
I thought I was over the pain
The pain of not being part of THE plan
And then you made me think about it all over again
I grieved all over again
But I emerged stronger
And I hold you with me where-ever I go
Sometimes you catch me, at moments of quiet or at times when words are spoken
That remind me you are not with me
It pulls and pangs at my heart and I rest with the feeling
I don’t push it away anymore
I carry it with me, all the moments
The grief and the growth because
That was your gift to me
I’ve met others now who know what this feels like
I’ve seen in words and actions understanding of this grief
It’s not the place that I thought I’d be
But I’ve found my place and every day is new without you.

Penny Rabarts