I’ve always loved to write. Infact, one time a fortune cookie told me that I would be an author, but it didn’t predict this future. The one where I’m standing here childless after a hard-fought battle with infertility. No, a fortune cookie couldn’t have predicted this, and neither could I.
Most women grow up in a world surrounded by the notion of motherhood. It’s ingrained in us from a very young age through games such as playing house or becoming a caregiver to the many dolls and stuffed animals we’ve accumulated.
I remember as a child our Friday nights were a tradition of sitting around the television watching TGIF, a collection of wholesome family television. From shows like Family Matters, Full House, Step by Step and even Dinosaurs, these shows were centered around children, families, and family values.
These portrayals of childfree women are often brief storylines that all too often are met with the same resounding lesson, that having babies and raising children are the deep meaningful purpose for life. Yes, even the strong, powerful childfree goddesses that are Samantha Jones and Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City were often reminded as Carrie points out that society only validates and rewards women who start a family.
I’m often reminded of the series finale to one of my favorite shows, The Big Bang Theory. As the main characters Penny was adamant about wanting to not become a mother. In fact, she often repeated it on multiple occasions. There was even an episode where we were repeatedly reminded of this very subject as her husband Leonard who all too eager to have children and start a family decided to become a sperm donor to an acquaintance.Yet, at the series finale we were met with her becoming pregnant and yet there was no storyline where she is grappling with this reality that she never wanted. Instead, it’s a depiction of pure joy and happily ever after. The narrative of a strong women deciding her fate and standing up for her convictions to remain childless are erased as if they were never written into her story.
For myself, not having children wasn’t even an option I knew existed until I could no longer have them. As soon as we were married, we were bombarded with inquiries to our plans to “start a family”. Being happy and not having children? Well, that was all too often not a narrative given to us as an option.Having infertility and not ending up with a child? Not even considered.
Honestly, I can’t remember a time during my journey where someone said, “It may not happen for you, but you will be okay.” Instead, I was often met with toxic positivity that rejected the notion of disappointing outcomes. From “Just relax.” to “Just stay positive.” And the all too often “You can just adopt.” And while these often came from a place of love, they did nothing but to further advance my feelings of failure at the end of our journey.
Today, I stand here confident, happy, fulfilled, and as someone who has overcome the waves of grief that all too often tried to submerge me. However, if you had asked me how I got here to this place of contentment, I would honestly have to tell you that sometimes I’m not so sure. I didn’t wake up one morning happy and healed. I had to trudge through many nights crying in dark corners contemplating who I was as a woman without creating life. I was often met with the narrative that I wouldn’t find true love or happiness without becoming a mother. A guest at a family dinner once pronounced to the whole table that he couldn’t understand why my husband would stay with me if I couldn’t have children, or has he so elegantly articulated it “Why have a tree that doesn’t bear fruit.” It took me a while to come to terms with my new reality, to be truly happy and to open the door to the next chapter of our life together as a childless/childfree couple.
Today marks the ending of World Childless Week and although I’m not a main character in my own sitcom streaming across platforms or on national TV, I want to become an inspiration for women either at the end or beginning of their fertility journeys. I want them to know that you can have a fulfilling and happy childless/childfree life despite what society has depicted or has subconsciously ingrained into your psyche. I and so many women who have created a childless/childfree community and safe spaces across the internet, are proof of just that.
Missy Desiree
Embracing Childfree/Childless Lifestyle