Alana
When I look at photos of family or friends with their generations of children, I think I’m not worthy. I see their people- the ones that look like them and I know I have no-one who will take after me or will be like me. The groups in the photos grow every year. It is added to after every new birth, marriage, or milestone. My simple photo shows 2. Just 2 people that longed to create more people who would look like them. People that we could inspire, influence, raise, train, love, cherish and guide. We missed all that. We never had it. Thirty years of zero, none and nil. It’s necessary to sit there in that space, to just sit and feel it. It’s okay to do that because it’s the truth. If I don’t do that then I’m only lying to myself. It may take 5 minutes to get through it or it may take an hour or even a day. Whatever it is, it needs to be done. The years of grieving for what we desperately wanted and couldn’t have, are very real.
But I also know that staying in that space for longer than needed is not good for me. I usually pick up by playing some music, changing the scenery or focusing on an activity that requires my brain to get into gear. When reflecting on how I get through these moments, I realise that I am worth something. I do bring something to the table even if my photo doesn’t look like I wanted it to look. My heart is heavy but I know I’m worthy.
I know I am good at being organised. My job as a teacher requires it and I revel in it. I keep a tidy, neat classroom and items all have a place in the room. I like to plan my teaching with columns, tables, sequences and titles. I have a timetable that provides structure, routine and consistency for all involved. My home is similar in that there is a place for everything and everything is (usually) in it’s place- particularly on Saturday mornings when I can get to it! This organisational skill of mine has been the means for opportunities to love on others with my methods or ideas. Others have needed my help, and I’ve been happy to help. I am worthy because I am good at being organised.
I know I am able to love my family and friends with words of encouragement. I send cards regularly to those who are having birthdays, experiencing a special milestone, or need a kind word at a hard time. I love to write the words that people need to hear-words I probably would have said to my children, words that burst from my heart but I truly feel and want others to know. I like to remind them of the Bible verses that are imprinted on my heart- words and truths that I’m sure will comfort them for where they’re at. I’m known as the sister, aunt and friend who sends birthday cards on time with encouraging words. I am worthy because I am good at encouraging others.
I know I am good at teaching children. For thirty-four years I’ve walked into Early Childhood classrooms to do my job. It is not a career. I did not choose this. I wanted to be a stay-at-home Mum but this has become my daily walk. It is where I teach, explain, listen, enlighten and challenge the minds of little ones who need me. I know how to make something fun or easy to understand. There are well-used and practised techniques for teaching different concepts but there are also songs and games. Over the years, there have been parents who have appreciated and respected me for what I’ve done for their children. It’s so nice to be thanked- sometimes even years later when the parent remembers me from when I taught them! I am worthy because I am good at teaching children.
Yes, I am worthy. I care. I love. I look out for those who may not be in my photo but they are in my heart. My nurturing “mother heart” has not been left to dry out in the hot sun. It is working. It is pumping. It is moving, growing and expanding each time I am given opportunities to interact with others and to love them. Yes, I am worthy.
