Frankie Hockham
For a long time, being unable to have children felt like a failure.
My body had not done the one thing I believed it was supposed to do. The future we had imagined had not happened, no matter how much we wanted it or how hard we tried.
It can be difficult not to let that change how you see yourself.
But being childless does not make me less of a woman, less of a wife or less of a person. It does not mean our marriage is incomplete or that our life matters less.
We did not choose this path, but it is not a punishment or a reflection of our personalities, our choices or our morals. Infertility and pregnancy loss are things that happened to us. They are not who we are.
Our lives may look different from the ones we once imagined, but different does not mean lesser.
And perhaps there is something else we do not talk about enough.
Parents quite rightly devote an enormous part of their lives to raising and caring for their children. Those of us who are childless may find that our time, energy, love and experience are directed elsewhere. Not towards something better or more important, simply towards something different.
We may become the friend who has time to listen. The aunt or uncle who plays an important part in a child's life. The volunteer who keeps turning up. The campaigner who refuses to accept that something cannot be changed. The mentor, teacher, artist, scientist, carer, neighbour or community-builder whose influence reaches far beyond their own home.
History is full of men and women without children who left an extraordinary mark on the world.
Jane Austen gave us stories still read more than two centuries later. Florence Nightingale transformed nursing. Isaac Newton changed our understanding of the universe. Alan Turing helped change the course of history and laid foundations for modern computing. Nikola Tesla helped shape the electrical world we live in.
And there are more contemporary examples too. Dolly Parton has used her success to put books into the hands of children around the world. Oprah Winfrey has invested in education and opportunities for young people. Helen Mirren has built a remarkable life and career without motherhood ever needing to define her worth.
They are very different people, from different generations and walks of life, but they remind us of something important.
There is more than one way to leave something behind.
There is more than one way to nurture, inspire, teach, protect, create and make a difference.
There is no single way that a meaningful life is supposed to look.
And I can see something of that in my own life.
My husband founded our astronomy charity, and together we have built something that has inspired thousands of children and adults across the UK to look up at the night sky, become curious about the universe and perhaps see their own place within it a little differently.
Had we become parents, our lives would undoubtedly have taken a different direction. I cannot know what that life would have looked like, just as none of us can know where another path might have taken us.
What I do know is that this is the life we have now.
And within it we have found love, purpose, friendship, laughter and opportunities to make a difference.
The ending of one dream did not mean the ending of my ability to dream, to contribute or to matter.
A life does not have to follow one particular pattern to be valuable.
I am proud of the life my husband and I have created together. It was not the future we originally planned, but it is ours, and there is so much within it that I value.
We are not defined by the children we could not have.
And we do not have to do extraordinary things to prove that our lives matter.
We do not have to start charities, change laws, write great novels, make scientific discoveries or help thousands of people before we can call our lives worthwhile.
A quiet life can be a valuable life.
A childless life can be a full life.
A life that turned out nothing like the one you planned can still become a life you are proud to call your own.
Parent or not, married or single, surrounded by family or walking a very different road, every one of us has the capacity to love, contribute, create, encourage, challenge, discover and touch the lives of other people.
That is why we are worthy.
Not because of what we have achieved.
Not because of how useful we have made ourselves.
Not because our lives look a certain way.
We are worthy because our value was never dependent on becoming a parent in the first place.
We are worthy because we are human.
And every life has value.
