Penny
My Alex,
In the blink of an eye, I was 40. It was never the plan to be single and childfree at that age. But I was. I made an appointment for IVF and decided to go for it. Alone.
To keep it brief this is how it went…..
Three unsuccessful rounds. Self injecting, blood tests, internal ultrasounds, moving work shifts around to fit into the scheldule followed by hours sitting on the toilet feeling like I was bleeding to death when it ‘didn’t take’.
Fourth and final round was successful. Yippee! A twin pregnancy. The joy was short lived. One of the sacs haemorrhaged early and then my genetic testing came back high risk for Trisomy 18 (Edwards Syndrome). More invasive tests confirmed this. My baby had many medical complications including no kidneys. A D&C followed. Then, it was over.
A traumatic experience is an understatement. To sign the consent form to terminate the most wanted pregnancy in the history of the world is soul destroying. My hopes and dreams were crushed and the loneliness and grief that followed indescribable.
She was a girl. I named her Alexandra Ivy. She would be 8yrs old this December. I imagine her to have brown curly hair, a toothy grin and be so sweet and kind. I miss her.
I am childless not by choice. I am single not by choice. I am turning 50 this year. I am still trying to find peace with a life that wasn’t my plan.
I feel ashamed and embarrassed by my life. The education, career path and financial security I have achieved is never commended by myself. All I see is what I don’t have. What is missing. A child and a family that I created. Leaving money out for the tooth fairy, coaching her sports team, sizing up school uniforms, my parents joy in their grandchild, letters to Santa…. I could go on forever.
My house is quiet. Too quiet. I go to bed early to stop thinking and then stay in bed too long in the morning to avoid the day. Friends and family are busy. Always busy. Always revolving around family and their children. They are time poor. I have too much time. Pangs of jealously and sorrow deafen me. I often avoid them all.
I’ve spent many years trying to figure out what the bigger plan is in all of this. I’m still looking. I don’t think there is one. It was just random bad luck and unfair thing that happened to me. Simple and frustrating as that.
The only positive I can take away is the healthcare I received. To live in Australia with a stellar healthcare system is a blessing. Free, local, compassionate, evidence based and skilled care. To terminate a pregnancy for any reason is traumatic. To terminate one that was wanted adds that extra kick in the guts. For politics and religion to get involved in this is unacceptable. No place for either at all.
I’ve never written anything about my experience and I don’t discuss it at often. Alex lives in my heart. I still shed many tears for her and ache often.
I’ve included the only photo I have of her. Embryos.
My heart goes out to anyone who is experiencing childlessness not by choice but especially those in the little depressing subcategory of termination for medical reasons. It’s just crap. There are no words. It’s not fair.
Much love,
Penny
Orange, NSW, Australia
